New Cat and New House


I love Lights. I got to rediscover her through writing a feature on her for the magazine. She’s cute with an airy voice and a new wave vibe I can’t get enough of. Listen to those synths!

This has been a busy month. Between work, writing lots of articles for the magazine and some personal stuff going on, time is really flying by. I like keeping busy, though.

Writing about stuff like cosplay and Sci-fi makeup for the magazine is definitely new to me, but it’s cool to learn and jump out of my comfort zone. I kinda like taking something unknown, researching it and adding my flavor to it in writing. I understand why cosplay is so beloved now, for example. Cosplayers put so much effort into making their costumes. The process is really admirable.

My personal life is rapidly changing. About a month ago, my uncle passed away very tragically and unexpectedly. He had lived with my family many times over the course of my life and he was more than just an uncle to me. He suffered from a prescription pill addiction and a lot of mental health issues. He had the roughest life I’ve ever heard of, most of which was not his fault at all. He was doing so much better, that’s why his death is so shocking. I can’t talk about how he died because it’s too painful and sad. Maybe one day.

Anyway, he left behind a house and a cat. At first, my family didn’t know if we could take in the cat. We already have a cat, which was formerly this same uncle’s before he went to prison. Ultimately, we decided to take her in. I’m really glad, because she’s already brought us a lot of joy. Her name is Maggie May (like the song) and she’s a cute little thing. She’s a total lap cat, which we’ve never had before. We hope she’ll get along with Ozzy (detect the theme…my uncle loved rock music), our other fat white cat. At least they’re not fighting. Not friends yet either.



Maggie and Ozzy

Maggie and Ozzy are friends…

We’re also keeping the house. It’s actually going to be my first home of my own. I’m buying it from my mom. I’m so excited. It’s a two bedroom with a lot of character. It needs some work, but that’s the fun part. I can’t wait to start decorating. This cold ass Winter needs to go away so I can move in. I love living with my parents and siblings, but I can’t be myself here. I’m not growing and I crave some freedom. I want more from life and I’m ready to make it happen.

Something else has been on my mind. The other day a girl at work said I was the least likely person she’d ever expect to be Goth. I was like, damn! Did I really change that much? I work in an office, so I can’t go all out with my fashion, but I hadn’t realized how conservative I had become. I don’t want to lose myself in the work world as I get older. I am Goth and I want people to see that side of me. The spikes and black hair dye are gone, but I’m still dark and strange. I’ll have to start making a conscious effort to keep some gothy elements in my everyday dress.

I’ll leave you with a disco pop song from Eden xo. California pop at its finest.

Carpe Nocturne Magazine Winter Issue


Carpe Nocturne Winter 2015

The Winter issue of the magazine is finally out and that means you guys can read my articles on musicians Miss FD (pg. 66-68) and Too Dead To Die (pg. 80-81) by following the link below:

You can also buy a print copy here:

I’m really happy with how the articles came out. Let me know what you think. I appreciate it! <3



80’s British synthpop duo Yazoo proved how polar opposites can join forces to create something completely unique. The duo formed in 1981 when synthesizer player and songwriter Vince Clarke left Depeche Mode and won over bluesy, soul singer Alison Moyet, who was not a fan of synths. Alison had placed an ad in a music magazine to find musicians interested in forming a blues band with her. Vince was the only response she got and he wanted to work with her because he knew what a powerhouse vocalist she was. Alison fell in love with Vince’s song “Only You” and the two released it as their first single, becoming a hit in the UK. This electronic ballad was truly groundbreaking as well as heartbreakingly beautiful. Vince thought Alison could deliver lots of emotion with her voice and he was spot on.

The pair continued crafting songs in uncharted territory and released their second single “Don’t Go” in 1982 just before the release of their debut album Upstairs At Eric’s. “Don’t Go” was a feisty dance track that highlighted the strength of Alison’s voice and the originality of Vince’s synth melodies. Initially, I wasn’t sure if I liked this song, but I quickly started to love it. It’s super fun to shout “don’t goooo!”. The spooky music video is also adorable.

Yazoo quickly rose to fame, but they split up as soon as their second album was released in 1983. The only single released from You and Me Both was “Nobody’s Diary”, my favorite Yazoo song. The song is very innocent lyrically and drives along with bouncy synths. To me, it almost feels like it should have been their first single ever released. I suppose that’s because Alison wrote it when she was just 16, when the fear of heartbreak is all too real, but not yet understood. There’s a sweet naivety to “Nobody’s Diary” that I adore.

Alison and Vince both found success after Yazoo. Vince went on to form Erasure (whom I love) with Andy Bell and Alison has had a successful solo career. It’s weird to think that there would be no Yazoo without Depeche Mode and no Erasure without Yazoo. I love all three groups so I can’t imagine that. Vince Clarke is a genius in my eyes and my number one dream music collaboration. He’s just so talented.

Thanks to Yazoo, I came to the realization that synthpop is my favorite music genre. Synthpop incorporates lyrical hooks and pop themes with the predominant synthesizers that set the genre apart. Often times, it can sound dark or mysterious. I believe synths can evoke emotions, too. Many synthpop stars are feminine men. I just think that’s really cool and inspiring. It’s as if this genre was created for me. However, I couldn’t resist gothing it up a bit.

There’s going to be a lot more synthpop talk on my blog moving forward. Over this past summer, I developed an obsession for 80’s synthpop music and it hasn’t gone away. Stupidly, I guess I never realized that some of my favorite artists, such as La Roux and Shiny Toy Guns, actually cite Yazoo as an influence. I remember hearing La Roux’s “Bulletproof” on the radio a few years ago and being mesmerized by the electronic sound of it. Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” also blew my mind. I didn’t know it was actually its own genre of music called synthpop until much later. Or that it originated in the 80’s. It’s embarrassing, I know. I only lived through three months of the 80’s, though, so forgive me. lol

I feel like it’s my duty to put synthpop back on the musical map. I can actually understand now why goth model Adora Batbrat named her children after synthesizers. lol I hope to introduce a synthpop cover series on my Youtube channel in which I sing songs from the past and present while dancing around with full glam garb on. Insane idea? Probably. That’s why I’m doing it! I’m so sick of being serious. No time for it anymore. 2015 is the year of FUN. Get with it or move along.

School Bullies


Firstly, I’d like to thank you all for your support on my last post. It means the world to me to know that people care. I did get a new job and will be starting soon as a receptionist at a mental health clinic. It’s actually a job I left a long time ago, but I really enjoyed it and I am excited to go back. Hooray!

On to the purpose of this post: bullies. We’ve all been bullied before. And I’m sure we’ve all bullied someone at one time as well. I sure have and I’m not proud of it. When I was in public school, I was bullied pretty severely. I was a feminine boy…you can guess what they called me. Lately, I’ve been having upsetting flashbacks about it and this concerns me. I feel like talking about it could help. I’m embarrassed, though. I haven’t told a lot of this stuff to anyone. I have to keep in mind that I was still a child through all of this and handled things the best way I could. Perhaps it will give you guys a better idea of why I am the way I am:

2nd Grade – The bullying began early. I think I was seven when my classmates found a Barbie hairbrush in my pencil box. I immediately lied and said it belonged to my little sister. They knew it was mine. The whole classroom was abuzz with laughter. The kids even told the teacher. I realized then that I could never be myself if I wanted to be accepted. The bullying would continue for another decade.

5th Grade – It was time to choose a musical instrument to play and I longed to play the flute. I knew it was wrong for a boy, but I wanted to play it so bad. The band instructor told my parents that it wasn’t appropriate for me to play such a feminine instrument. She was clearly a masculine woman, so I’m not quite sure how she was an expert on gender roles and femininity. So, feeling pressured, I chose the trumpet instead. I hated it. I still want to buy myself a flute and learn to play it one day.

6th Grade – This might have been the worst year of my time in school. I remember feeling really alone and sad. My friends from elementary school had turned on me. When they weren’t ignoring me they were turning my peers against me. I remember one day I just wasn’t allowed to sit at their lunch table anymore for no reason. I still would like to know why this was the case.

7th Grade – I dressed up as Leonardo da Vinci for an English project. I thought he was cool. A group of boys in class said he was gay and insinuated I must be gay for doing my project on him. There was also this fat male bully that harassed me everyday. The teacher actually told my parents about it (shocker as we will see shortly), but nothing was done to stop it. He was really ugly, really mean and stole all of my pretty pens that he said were “fairy colors”. I think he called me by my last name, too. I didn’t like that.

8th Grade – This year I started to be physically abused by a girl at school. She would constantly pinch the underside of my upper arm during class. It hurt so bad. I had big bruises up and down my arm. I tried to hide them, but my mom saw them one day and freaked out. She went to the principal and I had to show them my arm. I was so embarrassed and sad. The girl was suspended. I didn’t want her to get in trouble. I don’t know why. After that, the girl constantly asked if my arm was alright. Cunt. In the same male teacher’s class (he should have been fired), a group of boys drew penises all over my textbook. I told the teacher and he just laughed at me. He had an IQ of about 12. I never asked for help from a teacher again.

9th Grade – My worst memory from school comes from this year, my first year of high school. It’s why I don’t trust people. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my lunch with friends when a male bully tried to forcefully take the chair I was sitting in. He literally tried to pull it out from underneath me. I wrestled it back from him and slapped him in the arm. In hindsight, I wish I would have punched him in the face, but that’s just not the kind of person I was. I was very docile. After the slap, the entire cafeteria erupted in laughter, including all of the people I thought were my friends who were sitting at my table. I guess a slap was too gay of a response. No one defended me or asked if I was okay. I had been close friends with these people for many years. It was the ultimate betrayal. I was utterly mortified and beyond angry. I stormed off and didn’t return. Again, no one came to find me. Great friends. A half an hour later, when one of them actually came to me, she just wanted her books out of my locker that she insisted on sharing. No compassion. No empathy. I should’ve ripped her books apart and spit on them. I regret being too nice, that’s for sure. Another so-called friend from the table came up to my locker and I kicked her as hard as I could in the leg. I’m not proud of that and it wasn’t right. But, it felt awesome. I don’t speak to any of these people anymore and I should’ve stopped right after this event. None of them ever apologized. I don’t think I can ever forgive any of them. It’s a horrible day to recall.

Throughout high school – My band teacher used to mock the way that I spoke. Male teachers harassed me for no reason. I guess they thought they could muscle the gay out of me. One guy in particular who claimed to be a friend was actually the worst bully of all to me. The bullying began in middle school and through most of high school. He made it his goal to make me feel as bad as possible. Turned tons of people against me. And now he’s gay. Hope that’s working out well for him.

12th Grade – On the first day of school, a guy announced to my science class that I loved to make out with tons of guys. Everyone laughed. Again, the teacher did nothing. That utterly disgusts me. Not only do they not teach, they can’t even protect the kids in their care. This bully was scary. Like soulless. I remember him saying all gay people should be killed. I spent lunch periods in the bathroom because I had no friends to sit with. I was so over school. There was actually a hilarious rumor going around that I lived with an older man who bought me stuff. I wish! The guy who started the rumor saw my dad picking me up from school and based the rumor on that. I have to laugh at that. lol

Those are the events that most stick out in my mind. There were millions more, but I honestly think I’ve blocked them from recall. I just needed to get this off my chest. I cried while remembering the really bad stuff. I hope the flashbacks will stop now. I never realized how much bullying affected me until recently. And I wasn’t perfect. I made fun of kids, too, but never to the level that I received. No one deserves what I went through.

Let me know what you guys think. Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it? I feel silly bringing all of this up. Oh well, I feel better. :)



Mostly Good and Slightly Bad News


I disappeared for a bit. I wanted to blog, but I was in a nasty fog of depression. I feel better now. Not awesome, but I’m okay. I also seem to only be able to focus on one thing at a time in my life. I accept that I’ll always kind of be a mess.

Now, I have some awesome, exciting news…and some bad news to share. Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. About three weeks ago, I walked out of my full-time job and never went back. A lot led up to this decision and I never could have imagined what happened. I’m sure I’ve mentioned how unhappy I was at my job. I never wanted it in the first place. I paid my dues in order to transfer within the agency after 6 months. It was hell, but I made it. I applied to 4 internal jobs and never even got an interview, however. That was odd, since my entire team had nothing but positive things to say about me. And then shit really got bad. Half our team got laid off at the end of September (which was really shitty and upsetting) and I absorbed all the duties of the other administrative assistant. This included attending meetings in the most dangerous part of the county for the sole purpose of taking notes. Wow, I feel so valued. I was pissed and called off sick a day and a half to avoid these meetings. As payback, my direct supervisor (who works at another agency…weird, I know) sent me to represent our team at a meeting I’d never heard of or been to before in another dangerous area. The war was on. I planned on going to the meeting, but I told my agency supervisor (who never helped me or did anything but sign my timesheet, if that) that I’d had enough and needed to meet with her. She set a meeting with me a little before the time I was supposed to attend the payback meeting. I told my direct supervisor I might not be able to make it to the payback meeting on time as I had a meeting with my other supervisor to attend because I was feeling overwhelmed and so my demise began. It got really ugly.

So, I attend the payback meeting in Detroit and then go to the county to work on a special project I supposedly couldn’t work on at my actual work site. Really, it was just a ploy to piss me off further because everyone knew I hated going down there. I go to the 8th floor and enter my supervisor’s office. I ask her for the project she wanted me to work on. She proceeds to ask me if I want to meet with her and her supervisor to discuss my feelings about my additional job duties. I say no. She keeps pushing the question in her fake, smug way. I tell her I don’t care if I lose this job and that a meeting won’t make a difference. Wrong thing to say.

My direct supervisor called my agency supervisor and told her what I said. An investigation was conducted and I was grilled by my agency supervisor over what I said. Two weeks later, at a meeting between all three of us that was supposed to address my concerns, I was presented with a write up. It literally shocked me. I was reprimanded solely to prevent me from transferring within the agency. That’s how vindictive these people are. They knew from the beginning I wanted to do something else and this was their way of keeping me. I lost it. Through tears, I gave my two week notice of resignation. Of course, they begged me to stay.  They’re lucky I didn’t tell them to suck my dick. Actually, if my mom hadn’t been employed by the same agency for 27 years, I would have.

The following Monday, I knew I had to leave without giving two weeks notice. I couldn’t even speak to these people after what they did to me. I quietly packed up my cube. No one passing by said a word, like that was new. I picked up my box of belongings and left. That was it. I was unemployed. There’s so much more to the story, but I won’t bore anyone with that novel.

I’ve been desperately applying to jobs ever since. I’ve only received one call for an interview, but I’m not sure about the position. I would be working with clients again, but there are cons, too. It’s a very stressful time. It’s also really nice to have some time off. Sleeping in has been lovely. Hopefully I land something good soon.

On to the awesome news: I am now a music writer for the alternative magazine Carpe Nocturne!!! Wow! I wrote two articles on artists Miss FD and Too Dead To Die for the Winter Issue that will come out in January. I couldn’t be more excited. Michael Jack, the music editor at Carpe Nocturne and fellow dark music blogger and friend here on WordPress, graciously offered to have me on board and I jumped at the opportunity. I think of it as taking my writing to the next level. There are even more ridiculously exciting things to come for the Spring Issue, but I won’t get Reckless and share the hot Gossip yet. ;)

I got the chance to talk with Miss FD and Too Dead To Die and they are seriously so sweet and appreciative. I had never heard of GothPop Princess Miss FD before writing about her for the magazine and I’m a huge fan now. She’s so versatile and crafts very meaningful lyrics. Love her dark visuals as well.

Too Dead To Die finally released the music video for “Another Sin” and it’s sexy and controversial.

I think that’s all the news I have for now. My next post will be more entertaining I hope. Love you guys!



Band Tag


I have been tagged by the lovely Samm Sanity to do the Band Tag. Thank you so much! Check out her blog Blood, Lace and Faeries if you enjoy epic gothic fashion, badass DIYs, enthralling works of writing and personal stories. On to the questions:

1.) Top 3 favorite bands?

Depeche Mode, The Birthday Massacre, Panic! at the Disco

2.) Top 3 band member crushes?

Brendon Urie (P!ATD) – I’ve been obsessed with him since I was 15.

Adam Levine

Pete Wentz

I never really got into Fall Out Boy or Maroon 5, but that doesn’t stop me from crushing on their band members!

3.) Favorite song?

Right now, “Photographic” by Depeche Mode. I’m just getting into their earliest work, which is much lighter than the rest of their albums. I’ve fallen in love with any bands former Depeche member Vince Clarke has touched (Yazoo and Erasure). His synth work is just so damn unique!

4.) Song that makes you sad?

“You’re Not Alone” by Saosin. I don’t know that the song makes me sad, but I end up listening to it when I’m sad. I’ve cried many tears listening to it.

5.) Favorite song lyric?

“I’m not going down on my knees begging you to adore me” – Shake the Disease by Depeche Mode.

I’ve done this before and it’s not a cute look.

6.) Band member I don’t dislike?

I don’t dislike band members. I did when I was a teen. I didn’t like the lead singer of Boys Like Girls because he was an attention whore. :) And the other band members were way hotter.

I’m tagging whoever wants to do this. Yes, I’m a lazy bitch.

In other news, I’m going to film a birthday haul video showing what I got very soon. I’m only two weeks late since my birthday was on September 16…though anyone who knows me knows I procrastinate a ton. I’m also going to include some of the stuff I bought for myself while on vacation in Frankenmuth. I finally got to go on vacation and had a blast spending loads of money. I wish I could film more videos, but my family is loud as fuck and I don’t have a space to film in. Maybe I should start doing outdoors/party in my car videos? I know you guys want to see me drive around. lol


Anyways, I hope to see some of you do the Band Tag!