The Hermit

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The Hermit

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Wrapped in a cocoon of isolation

Misery is the ideal vacation.

Locked in a vault of fantasy

Living out a deranged destiny.

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Blame is perpetually deflected

While responsibility is constantly rejected.

Apologies don’t exist in the bunker

Where distorted memories are the anchor.

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Adoration quickly morphs into contempt

Not a soul is exempt.

Safety is not guaranteed within the queendom

Banishment is a welcome freedom.

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Pleasure is derived from suffering

Smiles are reduced to nothing.

The trigger is always a conundrum

Followed by a terrifying tantrum.

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Decisions must be rash

Contemplation belongs in the trash.

Weakness is not an option

And rejection is a deadly toxin.

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A constant demand for affection

Reflects a yearning for connection.

Vulnerabilities are given to vultures

Who turn innocents into lifeless sculptures.

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A loving personality is hidden

Behind the steel bars of a prison.

Wallowing in a false escape

Will leave a permanent scrape.

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Rectification is still possible,

Though trust is not probable.

No matter how hard you pull away

There is another open doorway.

2016

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New year, new perspective. Yes, I’m here. I’ve decided to stick around here on WordPress. Thank you all for your supportive words on my last post. I don’t know why I’m so fatalistic sometimes. I hate letting fear take over, but I’m trying to overcome it. I’m striving to accept my quirks and let my freak flag fly high. I have a strong feeling that this will be a very pivotal year for me.

I’m days away from moving into my very own home. I’ll share tons of photos and details in another post. I’m so thrilled! Broke as a joke, but beyond happy. I’m also about to begin another new job. Don’t worry, it’s with the same company. I actually accepted the promotion about three months ago and my new job duties will finally be starting on Monday. I got about a $3.o0 an hour raise, which started a while back. I’ll be the Administrative Support Coordinator. Fancy.

I’ve also decided that 2016 needs some structure and a lot more creativity. My plan is to laser focus on making music. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve put off my dream for far too long. I’m going to release a new song cover with an accompanying music video every month this year. Feel free to hold me to this. I need to get in the habit of recording and honing my craft on a regular basis. That’s the only way I’ll become better at making music. I’m very particular with everything I do. I spend a lot of time picking the perfect instrumental track, recording and editing vocals, filming a video and editing that…I don’t play around. Dare I attempt to compose an original song? You’ll have to wait and see. ;)

I would also like to post weekly on this blog. Write for enjoyment. Eat healthier. Actually have a workout routine. Meet new people. Go on dates. Learn how to apply makeup. Have my first professional photo shoot. Perform live. And be happy. That’s the basis for everything else.

Happy New Year everyone! Carly Rae Jepsen invades my soul, I swear.

The End?

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My secret’s out. This blog has been discovered by someone I never wanted to see it. As such, I don’t feel like this is a safe place anymore. I was going to share all of myself when I was ready. That choice was taken away from me. I now feel like I can’t be myself here. So, what’s the point in staying? This blog was created specifically to share the parts of myself that I was too afraid to show in real life. Now, there’s no mystery. The things I’ve shared here will probably be used to hurt me at a later time. I feel like Asylum Attendant is dead. I don’t even want to use the name anymore. There’s no more magic. The asylum has been torn down.

I don’t know what the future looks like. I’ve made some great friends in my (roughly) four years blogging here. I really started expressing myself and gained confidence in my writing abilities. I believe in myself now and other people do, too. When I was at my worst and felt like I had nothing, I had this blog and nice people sending me encouragement and support. I’m not sure why anyone has stuck around through my sporadic and depressing posts. I don’t deserve all of your kindness. I’m flakey, indecisive and a procrastinator. And still, my readers stick around. Thank you so much for that. I’ll never stop writing because, quite literally, I would die. I just might take on a different identity. Constantly changing, that’s me. I’ll let you all know once I figure out my next step. I hope you’ll all follow me down the next rabbit hole.

 

Lindsey Stirling Interview!

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Say what!? The Fall Goth issue of Carpe Nocturne Magazine is out now with my biggest interview yet… world famous violinist Lindsey Stirling! I really can’t believe I pulled this off. Lindsey is so inspirational and thoughtful. She’s definitely one-of-a-kind. I’m super happy that I got the chance to converse with her. You can check out the whole interview on Magzter.com: http://www.magzter.com/US/Visual-Adjectives/Carpe-Nocturne/Entertainment/.

I also wrote articles on androgynous synthwave music artist Jack Strify and model and YouTuber Caligo Bastet, CD reviews of Nic Nassuet and Ashbury Heights, and Sanctuary of the Strange was all about marriage equality this time. My poem Masquerade is also in the mix…a first heartbreak really is the best inspiration. Hope you guys enjoy!

CN Fall 2015

Impromptu Photo Shoot

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2010-12-31 23.00.00-33Did that grab your attention? lol Does a new photo shoot make up for my disappearance from the blog? Probably not, but at least it’s sort of exciting. My birthday was on September 16 and it seems like Summer ended super abruptly. It was barely 40 degrees yesterday! Not even remotely okay. I had a wonderful birthday and received a lot of housewarming gifts, which is awesome. I’ve got all my bathroom accessories now. :D I always splurge on myself around my birthday, too. That included buying a $100 pair of adorable cat face creepers and a bunch of stuff from VampireFreaks which I’m modeling in the photo shoot. The fishnet has returned. haha Let’s jump on in!

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Look Number One was a cute gothic style. I’ve wanted bone hair clips for a long time and found some on VampireFreaks. That’s also where the shirt with the creepy kids in the graveyard came from. How freaking cute is that?! I also got the spike choker and neon green bracelet from VF. Am I the only person freaked out by chokers? I’m afraid they will cut off my air supply. XD I actually cut a new hole in the choker to make it looser on my neck. I overcame the fear for the look. lol And then there are my adorable creepers. I have a real white cat at home and I couldn’t resist. I hope I don’t have to relinquish my Goth card now.

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Look Number Two just sort of happened. A bit Cybergoth on the sexy side. I don’t think I’ve ever shown this much skin on here…I suppose I’m growing more comfortable with my body. I’ve never been skinny, I have skin problems and I don’t care. I love fishnet and being edgy, so that’s what I went with here. I hope I didn’t go over the top. But, that’s just who I am.

I had a blast putting these photos together and I’m so glad I made time to take them. I was all set to take the photos in my bare bones new house, but fate had other plans. I still pulled it off I think. Next, I think I’ll post some tags and soon comes my biggest announcement ever. You don’t want to miss it…trust me!

Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

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Hi friends! This past month has been a huge growth period for me. Some really awesome things have come about and I want to share them with you all. Of course, one really bad thing happened, too. Can’t have the light without the dark.

I got a promotion to full time at my day job earlier this month. I’m now a Clinical Records Assistant, which is such a fancy title. Basically, I maintain charts for mental health clients and serve as back-up receptionist. Who am I kidding…most of our clients still come to me. lol I got a slight raise as well, but it’s a nonprofit agency so I’m not rolling in the dough. I now work the day shift, so I’ve had to adapt from working afternoons. This is not easy for someone nocturnal like me. I’m exhausted, but happy. There is less stress usually because I don’t have to constantly answer the phone or resolve client concerns. I still have plenty of work to do though and that keeps me busy.

I am now also the Music Editor for Carpe Nocturne. Anyone that knows me knows that music is my number one love. I’m very honored and excited to begin this role. I’ll have quite a bit more responsibility, so I’ll need to step my game up. I’ve been a writer for the magazine for less than a year and I’ve learned tons and honed my writing/research skills during that time. I really never thought I’d ever be a part of something this epic. I aim to make you proud, Michael. Thank you for believing in me and boosting my confidence. :D

Work finally began on the floors in my new house. When the workers ripped up the rotten wood, they found a bit of asbestos wrapped around a pipe in the kitchen and some in the bathroom as well. Luckily, it was a quick fix and the asbestos has been removed. The workers also discovered that the walls of the house were being held up by cinder blocks. :/ I’ve found that pretty much everything in the house wasn’t done correctly. We ripped out the tub surround in the bathroom and found a beautiful cast iron bathtub underneath covered in glue. The previous owners were stupid. I’ve started picking out my laminate wood flooring, tile, bathroom fixtures and vanity, etc. There’s so much to think about. I was in Home Depot and Lowe’s for about four hours and didn’t even accomplish much. lol Will I be moved in by Halloween? I damn sure better be. ;)

Earlier today, I passed my first kidney stone. That was quite an adventure I never want to experience again. I was abruptly awoken this morning with excruciating pain in my lower flank. I’ve never felt pain like that before. And it wouldn’t stop. I kind of thought it might be a kidney stone, even though I’d never had one before. So, my parents rushed me to the doctor, where he thought it was a kidney stone as well. He gave me a urine hat to collect the stone once it passed and it did not long after I got home, thankfully. We think I wasn’t drinking enough fluids/too much Coke. Needless to say, I’m virtually cutting out soda moving forward. The tears are real, but my health is all I have.

The worst news of all happened a week ago. My sister abruptly left home and moved in with a guy she had only known for a couple of days. My sister is 22 and has never lived on her own before, plus she’s very immature for her age. My whole family is in distress. My sister refuses to come home and is saying we are all horrible people. She brought cops to our home to collect her belongings, which was completely unnecessary and embarrassing. This guy and his mom are having my sister do all kinds of work around their house and drive them around, when she can barely drive. The situation is insane and my family knows these people are manipulating and taking advantage of my sister. The police say there is nothing they can do. I just want my sister to come home. She is not well and we can get her help.

It’s beyond difficult to focus on anything with my sister and family in crisis. I have to remember that she’s an adult. I can’t help but fight to save her. There have been many sleepless nights. I think I should do something for myself. It’s been a long time since my last photo shoot. Maybe that’s what I’ll plan next. Escape into fantasy for a bit. Reality is too much sometimes.

I’ll leave off with a new song from Swedish electronica group Ashbury Heights. Their progression is really fun to follow through the looking glass.

Carpe Nocturne: Summer Steampunk Issue 2015

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Carpe Nocturne Summer 2015
Steamy weather outside means that the Summer Steampunk issue of Carpe Nocturne is finally here. We have a male cover model this time with an epic handlebar moustache. This issue covers Steampunk music from around the world, gear-filled events you’ll want to learn more about and our new poetry feature, Dark Corners. Check out my article on the hilarious, but talented Goth musician Aurelio Voltaire, my interviews with Swedish latex model Arathin (whose blog you all should check out) and anti-bullying group Heroes United Against Cosplay Bullying, my CD reviews of bands Atomzero and Suicidal Romance, my legendary (haha) poem Teatime, and the debut of my LGBTQ column, Sanctuary of the Strange. I’m most thrilled about the LGBTQ column since it’s obviously closest to my heart and very personal. I’ve always wanted to create my own sanctuary and it’s happening.

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We’ve switched to Magzter for the digital releases moving forward and I think the quality and such is much better. You can also now access the magazine on your phone or tablet, which is awesome. Pick up a digital or print copy at http://www.carpenocturne.net or http://www.magzter.com.

Now, I must get back to writing for Fall. The pressure is on for our Goth issue. Just wait and see what I’ve got up my creepy little sleeve. ;)