Firstly, I’d like to thank you all for your support on my last post. It means the world to me to know that people care. I did get a new job and will be starting soon as a receptionist at a mental health clinic. It’s actually a job I left a long time ago, but I really enjoyed it and I am excited to go back. Hooray!
On to the purpose of this post: bullies. We’ve all been bullied before. And I’m sure we’ve all bullied someone at one time as well. I sure have and I’m not proud of it. When I was in public school, I was bullied pretty severely. I was a feminine boy…you can guess what they called me. Lately, I’ve been having upsetting flashbacks about it and this concerns me. I feel like talking about it could help. I’m embarrassed, though. I haven’t told a lot of this stuff to anyone. I have to keep in mind that I was still a child through all of this and handled things the best way I could. Perhaps it will give you guys a better idea of why I am the way I am:
2nd Grade – The bullying began early. I think I was seven when my classmates found a Barbie hairbrush in my pencil box. I immediately lied and said it belonged to my little sister. They knew it was mine. The whole classroom was abuzz with laughter. The kids even told the teacher. I realized then that I could never be myself if I wanted to be accepted. The bullying would continue for another decade.
5th Grade – It was time to choose a musical instrument to play and I longed to play the flute. I knew it was wrong for a boy, but I wanted to play it so bad. The band instructor told my parents that it wasn’t appropriate for me to play such a feminine instrument. She was clearly a masculine woman, so I’m not quite sure how she was an expert on gender roles and femininity. So, feeling pressured, I chose the trumpet instead. I hated it. I still want to buy myself a flute and learn to play it one day.
6th Grade – This might have been the worst year of my time in school. I remember feeling really alone and sad. My friends from elementary school had turned on me. When they weren’t ignoring me they were turning my peers against me. I remember one day I just wasn’t allowed to sit at their lunch table anymore for no reason. I still would like to know why this was the case.
7th Grade – I dressed up as Leonardo da Vinci for an English project. I thought he was cool. A group of boys in class said he was gay and insinuated I must be gay for doing my project on him. There was also this fat male bully that harassed me everyday. The teacher actually told my parents about it (shocker as we will see shortly), but nothing was done to stop it. He was really ugly, really mean and stole all of my pretty pens that he said were “fairy colors”. I think he called me by my last name, too. I didn’t like that.
8th Grade – This year I started to be physically abused by a girl at school. She would constantly pinch the underside of my upper arm during class. It hurt so bad. I had big bruises up and down my arm. I tried to hide them, but my mom saw them one day and freaked out. She went to the principal and I had to show them my arm. I was so embarrassed and sad. The girl was suspended. I didn’t want her to get in trouble. I don’t know why. After that, the girl constantly asked if my arm was alright. Cunt. In the same male teacher’s class (he should have been fired), a group of boys drew penises all over my textbook. I told the teacher and he just laughed at me. He had an IQ of about 12. I never asked for help from a teacher again.
9th Grade – My worst memory from school comes from this year, my first year of high school. It’s why I don’t trust people. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my lunch with friends when a male bully tried to forcefully take the chair I was sitting in. He literally tried to pull it out from underneath me. I wrestled it back from him and slapped him in the arm. In hindsight, I wish I would have punched him in the face, but that’s just not the kind of person I was. I was very docile. After the slap, the entire cafeteria erupted in laughter, including all of the people I thought were my friends who were sitting at my table. I guess a slap was too gay of a response. No one defended me or asked if I was okay. I had been close friends with these people for many years. It was the ultimate betrayal. I was utterly mortified and beyond angry. I stormed off and didn’t return. Again, no one came to find me. Great friends. A half an hour later, when one of them actually came to me, she just wanted her books out of my locker that she insisted on sharing. No compassion. No empathy. I should’ve ripped her books apart and spit on them. I regret being too nice, that’s for sure. Another so-called friend from the table came up to my locker and I kicked her as hard as I could in the leg. I’m not proud of that and it wasn’t right. But, it felt awesome. I don’t speak to any of these people anymore and I should’ve stopped right after this event. None of them ever apologized. I don’t think I can ever forgive any of them. It’s a horrible day to recall.
Throughout high school – My band teacher used to mock the way that I spoke. Male teachers harassed me for no reason. I guess they thought they could muscle the gay out of me. One guy in particular who claimed to be a friend was actually the worst bully of all to me. The bullying began in middle school and through most of high school. He made it his goal to make me feel as bad as possible. Turned tons of people against me. And now he’s gay. Hope that’s working out well for him.
12th Grade – On the first day of school, a guy announced to my science class that I loved to make out with tons of guys. Everyone laughed. Again, the teacher did nothing. That utterly disgusts me. Not only do they not teach, they can’t even protect the kids in their care. This bully was scary. Like soulless. I remember him saying all gay people should be killed. I spent lunch periods in the bathroom because I had no friends to sit with. I was so over school. There was actually a hilarious rumor going around that I lived with an older man who bought me stuff. I wish! The guy who started the rumor saw my dad picking me up from school and based the rumor on that. I have to laugh at that. lol
Those are the events that most stick out in my mind. There were millions more, but I honestly think I’ve blocked them from recall. I just needed to get this off my chest. I cried while remembering the really bad stuff. I hope the flashbacks will stop now. I never realized how much bullying affected me until recently. And I wasn’t perfect. I made fun of kids, too, but never to the level that I received. No one deserves what I went through.
Let me know what you guys think. Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it? I feel silly bringing all of this up. Oh well, I feel better. :)