An Explanation

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I don’t really know what to say. I can’t believe how much time has passed since my last post. I took a break from blogging for personal reasons and it seems I left for good. I can’t even really say that I’m back for good either. But, I feel like I owe my friends an explanation for my absence. So, I decided to record the video above. The video is raw and very real. I’ve missed my fellow bloggers so much and I haven’t forgotten about any of you. Sometimes I go into a cocoon to protect myself and recharge when horrible, stressful things happen. That may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s how I survive. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with all of you, the people I know truly understand me. I feel much better breaking the silence, even if that makes me vulnerable. I hope my honesty makes up for my absence.

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I made a Steampunk top hat in the Spring…super proud of it!

Things aren’t all doom and gloom, though. I wanted to record a fun, spooky video for you guys as well. Last year, Samm Sanity nominated me for the Halloween Tag and I never got around to doing it. Well, I finally did! Watch my struggle with fake nails and sassy mouth below. lol

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Don’t forget that orange and black hurr for Halloween, gurl.

I have so many exciting things to share with you all. Just know that I’m always here, whether I post or not. You guys have helped to make this my home and I’ll never forget that. I’ll leave you with an acapella video of me singing a song for a competition I auditioned for over the summer. I didn’t make it into the competition, but I’m just proud of myself for having the balls to audition. And I think I’ll take another crack at this song soon.😉 Voice lessons are so much fun and have really improved my confidence and vocal range!  Happy Halloween!!!

 

Lady Gaga Cover

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A new song cover and music video after almost a year? That’s right! Lady Gaga is actually a big inspiration to me and “Poker Face” is my favorite one of her songs. The vibe of it is dark and sexual, which is really appealing. I had a clear vision for the music video. I wanted to show off my two very different sides: the normal me that I portray at work every day and the eccentric artist I transform into. I think this might be the first time I’m sharing both of the worlds I inhabit. Some of you may have never seen the subdued me before, but that’s what I show to society most of the time. The normal persona is my poker face. Most people never get to see the makeup, the fashion and the glam. Which side do you prefer? I really love that this song touches on bisexuality. My sexuality is a substantial part of who I am and showing it in a playful way is quite fun. This is also the first video I’ve filmed in my new house, so you get to see some of my humble abode. You can download the cover for free on my Soundcloud page below.

More music is soon to come! I think I’ll try a ballad next. I can be serious sometimes. ;) I also have new posts on a hair dye review and my house transformation in the works. Happy Spring!

I’m an Asshole

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I’m an asshole and I’m sorry. I hate people who don’t keep promises. I am one of those people. I never want to disappoint my readers and most of all, myself. My busy life really isn’t an excuse. I’d rather be blogging and making music than working a job I’m not passionate about, trust me. I’ve come to the realization that something has to give. Unfortunately, that can’t be my day job. I’ve tried to balance everything and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know what that means for all of my creative endeavors. I need creativity to survive, but the stress of trying to maintain it is also killing me. I really hope one day I don’t have to deal with this struggle. If anyone has any advice on how to balance a busy life, then please let me know. I’m failing miserably at a low stress life. I never get sick and I’ve been terribly ill for the last week with no voice, a terrible cough and then a head cold on top of it all. I finally feel like I’m getting a little better. I’ve been keeping up with everyone else’s blogs and you guys are doing really awesome things. I’m seriously so inspired by the creativity and talent I see every day on WordPress. You guys blow me away!

Good stuff is happening in my life, even if I haven’t posted about it until now. The Winter 2016 issue of Carpe Nocturne came out about two months ago. I wrote an Alternative Male Shopping Guide, a piece on Faroese fantasy musician Eivør, CD reviews on Melanie Martinez and Still Patient, my Sanctuary of the Strange column about my journey from Emo to Goth and my poem Not Like the Rest. Pick up a digital copy here or a physical copy here. I’m in love with our cover this time. Ash Costello from the great band New Years Day dressed as Harley Quinn. Epic!

Winter 2016

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I’ve also been moved into my new house for about two months now. I love it! Having my own space for the first time in my life is really fun. I think my favorite part is singing at the top of my lungs pretty much constantly. I’m going to do a whole post or two with before and after photos of the house, but I think I’ll give a sneak preview right now.

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Work is an adjustment right now. I’m sort of in a middle management role and I don’t enjoy babysitting people. I like training and helping staff, but the petty bullshit I can’t stand. I’m thinking about going back to school for some sort of Master’s degree. Yet, I already have no time. Going back to high school sounds really awesome sometimes. lol

Some of you might be familiar with my favorite singer Kerli. I haven’t posted about her in quite some time. Well, she finally released her comeback single “Feral Hearts” and it’s literally the best thing she’s ever done. Kerli’s back in a big way as the song urges the listener to connect with their true self and the nature surrounding them. I feel like Kerli lost her message for a bit being tied to a major label. This is the art she is supposed to be creating. This is the girl I fell in love with eight years ago. The music video for “Feral Hearts” is a dream with Kerli portraying different mystical creatures amongst gorgeous Estonian nature. Please support her in any way you can as she’s now an independent artist. You won’t regret it. Her new album should be out later on this year.

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That’s about it for now. I think my voice is almost well enough for me to start singing again. Spring is basically here and I love that because snow isn’t my thing. How do you film a music video in a snowy graveyard?! I mean come on. Feel very free to call out my absence and excuses. I deserve it. Damn, we’re about to lose an hour for Daylight Saving Time. Can I catch a break? lol Talk to you guys soon…and I mean it.😉

The Hermit

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The Hermit

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Wrapped in a cocoon of isolation

Misery is the ideal vacation.

Locked in a vault of fantasy

Living out a deranged destiny.

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Blame is perpetually deflected

While responsibility is constantly rejected.

Apologies don’t exist in the bunker

Where distorted memories are the anchor.

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Adoration quickly morphs into contempt

Not a soul is exempt.

Safety is not guaranteed within the queendom

Banishment is a welcome freedom.

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Pleasure is derived from suffering

Smiles are reduced to nothing.

The trigger is always a conundrum

Followed by a terrifying tantrum.

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Decisions must be rash

Contemplation belongs in the trash.

Weakness is not an option

And rejection is a deadly toxin.

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A constant demand for affection

Reflects a yearning for connection.

Vulnerabilities are given to vultures

Who turn innocents into lifeless sculptures.

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A loving personality is hidden

Behind the steel bars of a prison.

Wallowing in a false escape

Will leave a permanent scrape.

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Rectification is still possible,

Though trust is not probable.

No matter how hard you pull away

There is another open doorway.

2016

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New year, new perspective. Yes, I’m here. I’ve decided to stick around here on WordPress. Thank you all for your supportive words on my last post. I don’t know why I’m so fatalistic sometimes. I hate letting fear take over, but I’m trying to overcome it. I’m striving to accept my quirks and let my freak flag fly high. I have a strong feeling that this will be a very pivotal year for me.

I’m days away from moving into my very own home. I’ll share tons of photos and details in another post. I’m so thrilled! Broke as a joke, but beyond happy. I’m also about to begin another new job. Don’t worry, it’s with the same company. I actually accepted the promotion about three months ago and my new job duties will finally be starting on Monday. I got about a $3.o0 an hour raise, which started a while back. I’ll be the Administrative Support Coordinator. Fancy.

I’ve also decided that 2016 needs some structure and a lot more creativity. My plan is to laser focus on making music. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve put off my dream for far too long. I’m going to release a new song cover with an accompanying music video every month this year. Feel free to hold me to this. I need to get in the habit of recording and honing my craft on a regular basis. That’s the only way I’ll become better at making music. I’m very particular with everything I do. I spend a lot of time picking the perfect instrumental track, recording and editing vocals, filming a video and editing that…I don’t play around. Dare I attempt to compose an original song? You’ll have to wait and see.😉

I would also like to post weekly on this blog. Write for enjoyment. Eat healthier. Actually have a workout routine. Meet new people. Go on dates. Learn how to apply makeup. Have my first professional photo shoot. Perform live. And be happy. That’s the basis for everything else.

Happy New Year everyone! Carly Rae Jepsen invades my soul, I swear.

The End?

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My secret’s out. This blog has been discovered by someone I never wanted to see it. As such, I don’t feel like this is a safe place anymore. I was going to share all of myself when I was ready. That choice was taken away from me. I now feel like I can’t be myself here. So, what’s the point in staying? This blog was created specifically to share the parts of myself that I was too afraid to show in real life. Now, there’s no mystery. The things I’ve shared here will probably be used to hurt me at a later time. I feel like Asylum Attendant is dead. I don’t even want to use the name anymore. There’s no more magic. The asylum has been torn down.

I don’t know what the future looks like. I’ve made some great friends in my (roughly) four years blogging here. I really started expressing myself and gained confidence in my writing abilities. I believe in myself now and other people do, too. When I was at my worst and felt like I had nothing, I had this blog and nice people sending me encouragement and support. I’m not sure why anyone has stuck around through my sporadic and depressing posts. I don’t deserve all of your kindness. I’m flakey, indecisive and a procrastinator. And still, my readers stick around. Thank you so much for that. I’ll never stop writing because, quite literally, I would die. I just might take on a different identity. Constantly changing, that’s me. I’ll let you all know once I figure out my next step. I hope you’ll all follow me down the next rabbit hole.

 

Lindsey Stirling Interview!

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Say what!? The Fall Goth issue of Carpe Nocturne Magazine is out now with my biggest interview yet… world famous violinist Lindsey Stirling! I really can’t believe I pulled this off. Lindsey is so inspirational and thoughtful. She’s definitely one-of-a-kind. I’m super happy that I got the chance to converse with her. You can check out the whole interview on Magzter.com: http://www.magzter.com/US/Visual-Adjectives/Carpe-Nocturne/Entertainment/.

I also wrote articles on androgynous synthwave music artist Jack Strify and model and YouTuber Caligo Bastet, CD reviews of Nic Nassuet and Ashbury Heights, and Sanctuary of the Strange was all about marriage equality this time. My poem Masquerade is also in the mix…a first heartbreak really is the best inspiration. Hope you guys enjoy!

CN Fall 2015