The moment I heard of you

I felt your energy embrace me.

I longed to meet you,

Not knowing why.


Reality disappeared

Once I caught sight of you.

Your kind smile drew me closer

Like the softest net.


Lost in your aura,

My composure flittered away.

Your hand in mine,

The feeling shook me up inside.


I wanted to hold on

But, the timing wasn’t right.

Something in your grip

Revealed the sweetness within.


Aesthetic perfection,

My eyes were stuck on you.

I tried to avert my stare,

While yours kept me beautifully distracted.


Did you feel it, too?

How could you not have?

A connection so vivid

Could not be one-sided.


Your outer shell couldn’t hide

The uniqueness you possess.

I’m comforted,

Reminded of my once shameful traits.


You brighten my dull surroundings,

Filling me with energy.

I gravitate towards your soul,

As light as it can be.

I swore I would never fall for anyone…



So this post isn’t going to be super fun at all. It will probably end up being a depressing read. Feel free to stop reading now to avoid my pathetic ranting. Unless you enjoy the overuse of the word fuck…

What the fuck am I doing? My life has turned into a joke. I think I’ve been on autopilot for far too long. And I stopped caring so long ago. I look around and all I see is unhappiness. People who hate their lives, but just keep trucking along the same shit road. I’m no different. I work a shit job for low pay. I have no friends. My education has gone to waste. And I have no desire for anything better. It’s like I’ve settled on a life I knew I never wanted. I’m tired of hearing from others what my next move should be. When do I get to decide? When can I make a fucking mistake for once? Why isn’t it OK for me to not know what I want?

I admit that my life is in limbo. And procrastination is the easy way out. I just don’t want to grow up. I refuse to live like the people around me. I’ve never wanted to make a lot of money or have kids. I’ve never wanted to get married or settle down. I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted anything. I’ve just done as I was told to do. And it’s all led me to apathy. I’m scared that I don’t care. I could lose my job tomorrow and would I care? Fuck no. That’s not healthy thinking. I am not well. How do happy, successful people do it? I envy them. I should be much further along in life than I am. It’s embarrassing. I’ve had numerous people tell me that I should be doing much greater things than I currently am. I feel like a loser, incapable of accomplishing anything. Why can’t I ever get my shit together?

I should have enrolled in school, but I was too lazy and unsure to do so. I feel immense pressure to succeed. Instead I’m a massive disappointment. What’s going to be my kick in the ass? Will I ever receive that epiphany? Or am I destined to never dream of something more for myself? I used to have hopes and dreams. I saw a future for myself. Now I don’t even see a present. I know all too well what not giving a fuck leads to. It’s all kinds of bad. Yet, I can’t snap out of my perpetual nightmare. I never think I’m good enough. I have no faith in my abilities. And I know I’ve done this all to myself. I’m not a victim or blaming the world for my problems. I just don’t care to change. I think I’m scared of the person I could become if I really went for it. Being myself is far too much work. Faking a smile is easier. No one can even tell.

I don’t even know if any of this made any sense. It just had to come out. This rant doesn’t change anything. But, it got me writing again. I’m assuming that’s a good thing? Sorry if I depress anyone. Brutal honesty is one of the few things I have become good at. I hope my next post is lighter than this one.


Blood Photoshoot


Themed photoshoots are one of my favorite ways to express creativity. I can become whoever or whatever I desire and escape reality for a bit. I really needed that escape this past weekend, so I got dolled up and started licking skulls. lol Let me give some background on the inspiration for this photoshoot.

I based the photos on the song and music video Blood by the metal band In This Moment. It’s been my favorite song for over a month and I knew I had to do something once I saw the video for it.

The lead singer of the band, Maria Brink, has quickly become one of my fashion icons. She’s like a Barbie who went to the darkside. I knew I needed to incorporate the color scheme of red, black, and white from the video and album art. My band T-shirt was also quite fitting. Thanks Hot Topic!


















I couldn’t decide whether the lolli or the skull tasted better. 😉 I have to talk about the boots I used. I just got my Demonia Clash 430 boots in the mail the day before the shoot. The 3 and a half inch platforms (which are nothing for me :P) had been on my wishlist for a long time. I got them from this site called Sinister Soles, which has tons of other amazing gothic boots and shoes. And my skeleton necklace is too adorable not to highlight here.




























So, that’s what I was up to this past weekend. I know I’ve been a bit of a mess as far as updating this blog. But, please know that I highly appreciate anyone who takes the time to be a part of this crazy reality I dwell in. I haven’t forgotten about any of my readers and I promise to start connecting with you all again. You guys allow me to be myself, free from judgment, and that seriously means everything to me. Lots of LOVE. ❤