So this post isn’t going to be super fun at all. It will probably end up being a depressing read. Feel free to stop reading now to avoid my pathetic ranting. Unless you enjoy the overuse of the word fuck…
What the fuck am I doing? My life has turned into a joke. I think I’ve been on autopilot for far too long. And I stopped caring so long ago. I look around and all I see is unhappiness. People who hate their lives, but just keep trucking along the same shit road. I’m no different. I work a shit job for low pay. I have no friends. My education has gone to waste. And I have no desire for anything better. It’s like I’ve settled on a life I knew I never wanted. I’m tired of hearing from others what my next move should be. When do I get to decide? When can I make a fucking mistake for once? Why isn’t it OK for me to not know what I want?
I admit that my life is in limbo. And procrastination is the easy way out. I just don’t want to grow up. I refuse to live like the people around me. I’ve never wanted to make a lot of money or have kids. I’ve never wanted to get married or settle down. I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted anything. I’ve just done as I was told to do. And it’s all led me to apathy. I’m scared that I don’t care. I could lose my job tomorrow and would I care? Fuck no. That’s not healthy thinking. I am not well. How do happy, successful people do it? I envy them. I should be much further along in life than I am. It’s embarrassing. I’ve had numerous people tell me that I should be doing much greater things than I currently am. I feel like a loser, incapable of accomplishing anything. Why can’t I ever get my shit together?
I should have enrolled in school, but I was too lazy and unsure to do so. I feel immense pressure to succeed. Instead I’m a massive disappointment. What’s going to be my kick in the ass? Will I ever receive that epiphany? Or am I destined to never dream of something more for myself? I used to have hopes and dreams. I saw a future for myself. Now I don’t even see a present. I know all too well what not giving a fuck leads to. It’s all kinds of bad. Yet, I can’t snap out of my perpetual nightmare. I never think I’m good enough. I have no faith in my abilities. And I know I’ve done this all to myself. I’m not a victim or blaming the world for my problems. I just don’t care to change. I think I’m scared of the person I could become if I really went for it. Being myself is far too much work. Faking a smile is easier. No one can even tell.
I don’t even know if any of this made any sense. It just had to come out. This rant doesn’t change anything. But, it got me writing again. I’m assuming that’s a good thing? Sorry if I depress anyone. Brutal honesty is one of the few things I have become good at. I hope my next post is lighter than this one.