Apathy

So this post isn’t going to be super fun at all. It will probably end up being a depressing read. Feel free to stop reading now to avoid my pathetic ranting. Unless you enjoy the overuse of the word fuck…

What the fuck am I doing? My life has turned into a joke. I think I’ve been on autopilot for far too long. And I stopped caring so long ago. I look around and all I see is unhappiness. People who hate their lives, but just keep trucking along the same shit road. I’m no different. I work a shit job for low pay. I have no friends. My education has gone to waste. And I have no desire for anything better. It’s like I’ve settled on a life I knew I never wanted. I’m tired of hearing from others what my next move should be. When do I get to decide? When can I make a fucking mistake for once? Why isn’t it OK for me to not know what I want?

I admit that my life is in limbo. And procrastination is the easy way out. I just don’t want to grow up. I refuse to live like the people around me. I’ve never wanted to make a lot of money or have kids. I’ve never wanted to get married or settle down. I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted anything. I’ve just done as I was told to do. And it’s all led me to apathy. I’m scared that I don’t care. I could lose my job tomorrow and would I care? Fuck no. That’s not healthy thinking. I am not well. How do happy, successful people do it? I envy them. I should be much further along in life than I am. It’s embarrassing. I’ve had numerous people tell me that I should be doing much greater things than I currently am. I feel like a loser, incapable of accomplishing anything. Why can’t I ever get my shit together?

I should have enrolled in school, but I was too lazy and unsure to do so. I feel immense pressure to succeed. Instead I’m a massive disappointment. What’s going to be my kick in the ass? Will I ever receive that epiphany? Or am I destined to never dream of something more for myself? I used to have hopes and dreams. I saw a future for myself. Now I don’t even see a present. I know all too well what not giving a fuck leads to. It’s all kinds of bad. Yet, I can’t snap out of my perpetual nightmare. I never think I’m good enough. I have no faith in my abilities. And I know I’ve done this all to myself. I’m not a victim or blaming the world for my problems. I just don’t care to change. I think I’m scared of the person I could become if I really went for it. Being myself is far too much work. Faking a smile is easier. No one can even tell.

I don’t even know if any of this made any sense. It just had to come out. This rant doesn’t change anything. But, it got me writing again. I’m assuming that’s a good thing? Sorry if I depress anyone. Brutal honesty is one of the few things I have become good at. I hope my next post is lighter than this one.

~AA

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10 thoughts on “Apathy

  1. Well!
    Good Sunday morning to you too! :+)
    So here’s me = 61-year old rockin’ geezer……make a living….help people…..lived in both US and Canada……now up north of the border, comin’ down from seein’ Springsteen on Friday night in Ottawa.
    ALL the things you’re saying here are SHARED by at least HALF the population. It’s just ONE of the dirty little secrets that people have ALWAYS had a hard time sharing……but is FINALLY being brought up in the open as we ALL get wise to the lies of recorded history, learn how to tell each the truth, and our societies/people’s get to FINALLY communicate with each other as global citizens……NOT global consumers, but as TRUE stewards of the earth.
    That’s right…..EVERYBODY feels the way your feeling right now at some point…..Hunter S Thompson’s “looking over the abyss”…..but also “a fully llvedlife is not unexamined”…….one of the tricks of gettin’ thru life is how your strengths come to bear when you’re at your lowest. There’s no ONE answer…….gotta be flexible of course. What has worked for me is lookin’ for something that needs help gettin’ done. My area is community activism and volunteering. Sounds a bit straight, I know, but you might be surprised for example that the senior citizen that you’re helpin’ out was one of the first Rocky Horror freaks who has seen the film over 300 times…..or, hell, might even have been IN the film.
    Lastly, I have NO idea what really makes you tick…….but I also might think about taking your OUTRAGEOUS-ness professional…….when the going gets tough, the weird turn pro…..when your startin’ FOOLISH…..’ya got NOTHIN’ to lose!
    Break a leg…..keep on chooglin’!

    • What a wise and inspiring comment! You know, you really have a way with words. 😉

      Was the concert amazing? I think I would really enjoy helping senior citizens. They know what’s up and they can share many great lessons. Any Rocky Horror freak can instantly become my best friend!

      I am starting to realize that I can no longer have a separation between my crazy side and my normal side. I just have to let it all out all the time. I’m thinking a career change is in order. Thanks so much for the support and encouragement. ROCK ON!!!

  2. 😦 It hurts me to know you feel this way. I can kind of understand what you’re going through at the moment. It’s healthy for you to let it all out, anyways. Wish I could say something to help, but I hope things get better for you soon.

    • Thank you Tommy 🙂 I’m very happy to have you in my life. I will be alright. I just have some big decisions to make. Some people might be unhappy with those decisions, but my happiness is most important. I have got to remember that. I am so ready to channel my frustration and sadness into a new song.

  3. I’m actually in a really similar spot right now 😦 I have to get a full time job, but can’t think of anything I’d really like. So I’m at the point of trying to force myself to just suck it up and do something I’m not keen on… I used to want to teach abroad but for various reasons I’ve had to pretty much give up on that.
    Since I came back from getting my MA, I’ve had no social life. Although I’m in my hometown, I no longer have friends here who I can relate to…. the few “friends” that live here don’t understand why I can’t just “grow up” and get on with it…
    Yeah… I have nightmares and cry in my sleep pretty much every night 😦 I think its mostly just the fear of getting trapped into something… or never finding anything that I really want to do or feel passionate about.
    As a result I’ve pretty much decided to through my MA to the wind, and am hoping that somehow, by forcing myself into a job I wouldn’t normally have considered, I’ll find a way to feel OK with what I’m doing, or perhaps find out about some option I didn’t know about.

    Anyways… you’re certainly not alone in your feelings/situation… and I hope you’ll figure it out before me 🙂

    • I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through the same dilemma. What did you get your MA in? That’s a huge accomplishment! Congrats 🙂 I’m glad I got a college degree, but I wonder if I will be happy doing social work as a career. I get to help people and that’s super rewarding. But, the burnout rate is scary intense.

      We will figure this out together!

  4. It is very tough to be in that position. I can relate to that… Sometimes it is our light that scares us the most… I have hid for years for that same reason. I think you are further along than you realize… Someone once told me three are three stages to change… The lowest is that you are not aware of what needs to be changed, or what makes you unhappy… Whether you want to call it apathy, etc… The second step is awareness. You are aware of what you need to change or what will make you happy but you haven’t got the energy to make the changes… The last step is you are aware of your surroundings and you are actively working on steps to change. You are at the second step… which is so farther ahead than being at step one… those who are asleep or zombies… many won’t even know there is another way… Awareness is key… and you will get to the point where you can muster up the courage to take the steps to being more happy… It is also easy to be hard on yourself, I do it all the time… Especially when you begin to take the steps, it will be important to realize that it takes time and to go easy on yourself.

    I think these posts are healthy, you are getting your thoughts and emotions out. Hang in there… Huggs and light.

    • Thanks so much for your thoughtful words. I feel much better now than when I wrote this post a few weeks ago. I’ve started incorporating a lot more fun into my life and I’m not very worried about the future anymore. I’m all about enjoying the present. A very special soul recently entered my life as well and that light has really healed me. The universe is taking care of me. I’m so grateful. 😀

      ~Sending good vibes your way~

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