Melancholy

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This is my new video in which I get very real with you guys. It’s important to me to share my ups as well as my downs. I don’t know if I’ve discussed my struggle with my weight here before, but my self-esteem has really been affected by it. I feel ugly in everything I wear and wearing form-fitting clothes is out of the question. I also talk about my social anxiety in the video. While it’s not a fun and exciting video, I hope you all get to know me a bit better. I’m vulnerable at times. I am not a robot.

Bored at Work

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What should a person do when they are not needed in any way at their place of employment? This is my dilemma. I’m writing this while I sit bored out of my mind at my job. I never have any work to do. My fellow co-workers don’t speak to me because no one wanted my position to exist in the first place. I’m the only member of my team that’s ever here (there’s only four of us) and my boss was moved elsewhere to work shortly after I began this job. She works for another agency now, but she’s still my supervisor. Okay…that is completely logical. I can’t ask for more work because I don’t want to lose my job. At the same time, I don’t care about working here any longer. I just want to hit my six months next month, get a paid week of vacation, and transfer somewhere else within the agency. My company has a fun rule in which you can’t transfer to another position within the company until you’ve worked here for six months. It’s been a very long six months, let me tell you.

I can tolerate working pretty much anywhere if my coworkers are fun. These people have been horrid from jump street. They don’t speak when I greet them and never initiate a conversation with me. From my observations, they don’t do much work either, but I think they enjoy that. Being the only member of my team that works in a large room with these people doesn’t help. I’ve been told that no one thought my supervisor needed an assistant (me). Guess what? They’re totally right! However, I don’t deserve rude treatment just for getting this job. I’ve even asked my coworkers if I could help them in any way, but nothing came of it. So I gave up. You don’t care, I don’t care. I can sit and read all day, not uttering a word to anyone. It’s been a complete role reversal from the non-stop talking I did at my last job. Be careful what you wish for.

My supervisor(s) don’t know what they’re doing. I have one at my agency and one from another agency (who was initially at my agency). Sidenote: I was overjoyed when my supervisor was forced to transfer to the other agency. I can’t stand her. Anyways, the supervisor at my agency doesn’t even speak to me. She signs my timesheet (when she feels like it…nice) and that is the only communication I have with her. That makes me feel awesome and appreciated. (Right after I typed this, she called me for the first time ever. So strange…) My other supervisor is all looks and no substance. She’s very pretty, but dumb as hell. Apparently she’s an ex-Budweiser beer model. Yep. And you ended up in social work how…? She’s steadily pushed all of her work onto me and calls me the new her. Excuse me? Unless I’m going to get your old salary for doing the same job as you, don’t you dare say that. She was making double what I do for the same position. Does she really think I’m going to go above and beyond knowing that?

I do enjoy the freedom I have with this job. I can come and go as I please, take long lunches, and run personal errands. No one checks on me or monitors what I’m doing. I’m too scared and honest to just work from home, but I probably could get away with it. I’ve never had this much freedom anywhere else I’ve worked. But, at some level, you want your employer to care about you. I feel like a waste of space. It’s depressing.

I only have one coworker that I like. So sad. But, she’s saved me from quitting. She makes me laugh, I can trust and talk to her for hours, and she helps me with whatever crazy tasks get thrown my way. She’s also worried that her position is getting phased out. She doesn’t have much work to do either. In fact, my whole team has a light load. Supervisors have got to be aware of this and look the other way.

The work I do get is not my thing. I hate planning events and being an accountant, especially since I’m supposed to be doing social work. Driving to Detroit with huge containers of hot coffee and tons of bags of food is never fun. People can call me stuck-up or whatever. I’ve lived near Detroit my entire life. I never want to work there. It’s trashy, run-down and I don’t belong there. Send the hate my way. Most of my team works in Detroit, but I’m lucky that I don’t. I would have already quit if I was forced to work there full-time. The eight-story building is super old and I always think my car is going to get broke into. Not worth the stress. This is one case when old architecture does not interest me in the slightest.

I’m fine with taking notes, creating agendas and presentations, and organizing things. I just wish there was more of that. People ask me what I do and I don’t know what to tell them. I have to lie to appear busy. I want work to do! And that doesn’t include cleaning someone’s office in Detroit…that was total bullshit.

Now that I’m finished venting, I must figure out where to go from here. Do I want to stick with social work or jump into something new? I’d love to perform my own music in Goth/industrial clubs around the world, but is that really going to happen? I have to have a steady income and I can always lead a double life on the side. The struggle! I’ll leave you guys with some fun, creepy music…

Outfit of the Day: Cute Creeper

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I decided to film an OOTD (or Outfit of the Day) video this past weekend. I actually took the time to put a cool outfit together and I wanted to share. This post was supposed to go up over the weekend, but my seven year old laptop finally died. 😦 It’s completely understandable, since it was so old. That’s the only computer I’ve personally owned. Many memories with that thing. And my whole life was on it. Alas, fresh starts are always good. It’s difficult to edit videos when your computer moves at dinosaur speed and things keep crashing. Looking forward to getting a new laptop soon! Until then, I’ll just have to use my work laptop. I don’t actually have any work to do, but that’s a story for another day.

I hope you guys enjoy the video!