School Bullies

Firstly, I’d like to thank you all for your support on my last post. It means the world to me to know that people care. I did get a new job and will be starting soon as a receptionist at a mental health clinic. It’s actually a job I left a long time ago, but I really enjoyed it and I am excited to go back. Hooray!

On to the purpose of this post: bullies. We’ve all been bullied before. And I’m sure we’ve all bullied someone at one time as well. I sure have and I’m not proud of it. When I was in public school, I was bullied pretty severely. I was a feminine boy…you can guess what they called me. Lately, I’ve been having upsetting flashbacks about it and this concerns me. I feel like talking about it could help. I’m embarrassed, though. I haven’t told a lot of this stuff to anyone. I have to keep in mind that I was still a child through all of this and handled things the best way I could. Perhaps it will give you guys a better idea of why I am the way I am:

2nd Grade – The bullying began early. I think I was seven when my classmates found a Barbie hairbrush in my pencil box. I immediately lied and said it belonged to my little sister. They knew it was mine. The whole classroom was abuzz with laughter. The kids even told the teacher. I realized then that I could never be myself if I wanted to be accepted. The bullying would continue for another decade.

5th Grade – It was time to choose a musical instrument to play and I longed to play the flute. I knew it was wrong for a boy, but I wanted to play it so bad. The band instructor told my parents that it wasn’t appropriate for me to play such a feminine instrument. She was clearly a masculine woman, so I’m not quite sure how she was an expert on gender roles and femininity. So, feeling pressured, I chose the trumpet instead. I hated it. I still want to buy myself a flute and learn to play it one day.

6th Grade – This might have been the worst year of my time in school. I remember feeling really alone and sad. My friends from elementary school had turned on me. When they weren’t ignoring me they were turning my peers against me. I remember one day I just wasn’t allowed to sit at their lunch table anymore for no reason. I still would like to know why this was the case.

7th Grade – I dressed up as Leonardo da Vinci for an English project. I thought he was cool. A group of boys in class said he was gay and insinuated I must be gay for doing my project on him. There was also this fat male bully that harassed me everyday. The teacher actually told my parents about it (shocker as we will see shortly), but nothing was done to stop it. He was really ugly, really mean and stole all of my pretty pens that he said were “fairy colors”. I think he called me by my last name, too. I didn’t like that.

8th Grade – This year I started to be physically abused by a girl at school. She would constantly pinch the underside of my upper arm during class. It hurt so bad. I had big bruises up and down my arm. I tried to hide them, but my mom saw them one day and freaked out. She went to the principal and I had to show them my arm. I was so embarrassed and sad. The girl was suspended. I didn’t want her to get in trouble. I don’t know why. After that, the girl constantly asked if my arm was alright. Cunt. In the same male teacher’s class (he should have been fired), a group of boys drew penises all over my textbook. I told the teacher and he just laughed at me. He had an IQ of about 12. I never asked for help from a teacher again.

9th Grade – My worst memory from school comes from this year, my first year of high school. It’s why I don’t trust people. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my lunch with friends when a male bully tried to forcefully take the chair I was sitting in. He literally tried to pull it out from underneath me. I wrestled it back from him and slapped him in the arm. In hindsight, I wish I would have punched him in the face, but that’s just not the kind of person I was. I was very docile. After the slap, the entire cafeteria erupted in laughter, including all of the people I thought were my friends who were sitting at my table. I guess a slap was too gay of a response. No one defended me or asked if I was okay. I had been close friends with these people for many years. It was the ultimate betrayal. I was utterly mortified and beyond angry. I stormed off and didn’t return. Again, no one came to find me. Great friends. A half an hour later, when one of them actually came to me, she just wanted her books out of my locker that she insisted on sharing. No compassion. No empathy. I should’ve ripped her books apart and spit on them. I regret being too nice, that’s for sure. Another so-called friend from the table came up to my locker and I kicked her as hard as I could in the leg. I’m not proud of that and it wasn’t right. But, it felt awesome. I don’t speak to any of these people anymore and I should’ve stopped right after this event. None of them ever apologized. I don’t think I can ever forgive any of them. It’s a horrible day to recall.

Throughout high school – My band teacher used to mock the way that I spoke. Male teachers harassed me for no reason. I guess they thought they could muscle the gay out of me. One guy in particular who claimed to be a friend was actually the worst bully of all to me. The bullying began in middle school and through most of high school. He made it his goal to make me feel as bad as possible. Turned tons of people against me. And now he’s gay. Hope that’s working out well for him.

12th Grade – On the first day of school, a guy announced to my science class that I loved to make out with tons of guys. Everyone laughed. Again, the teacher did nothing. That utterly disgusts me. Not only do they not teach, they can’t even protect the kids in their care. This bully was scary. Like soulless. I remember him saying all gay people should be killed. I spent lunch periods in the bathroom because I had no friends to sit with. I was so over school. There was actually a hilarious rumor going around that I lived with an older man who bought me stuff. I wish! The guy who started the rumor saw my dad picking me up from school and based the rumor on that. I have to laugh at that. lol

Those are the events that most stick out in my mind. There were millions more, but I honestly think I’ve blocked them from recall. I just needed to get this off my chest. I cried while remembering the really bad stuff. I hope the flashbacks will stop now. I never realized how much bullying affected me until recently. And I wasn’t perfect. I made fun of kids, too, but never to the level that I received. No one deserves what I went through.

Let me know what you guys think. Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it? I feel silly bringing all of this up. Oh well, I feel better. 🙂

 

~Asylum

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7 thoughts on “School Bullies

  1. Sounds like a band instructor needs an ass whooping. That’s not cool at all, music is an art and everyone should be able to express themselves freely. There is no such thing as “feminine” and “masculine” instruments – although according to the sophmore band students, my flute looked like a certain male part. So hey, flutes are “masculine”! 😀
    I just wanna smother you with hugs. That’s so not fair what you went through – no one deserves it. D: In fact I will smother ya with hugs. (just let me know when the overwhelming cherry blossom smell makes ya feel dizzy. c;)
    In all seriousness now, I’m glad you shared. And I’m glad you feel better for sharing. I see how it has affected you as a person, and I think you did pretty damn good. You’re a real joy and from reading your posts, I can tell you’re quite strong and confident. I commend you. c:

    • hahaha Yeah, that’s the only downside to playing the flute…immature comments are sure to be made.

      Thanks so much for the hugs! I wish I had a friend like you when I was in school. We would’ve had a blast, I’m sure!

      I really appreciate all of your lovely comments. Since leaving public school, I’ve met the most amazing, supportive people and you are one of them. I couldn’t get through the bullshit otherwise. My next post will be lighter now that this dark stuff is out of my system. 😀

  2. There is no truly getting over it, is there? You can accept it happened, learn from it, and be stronger because of it. The pain will probably always be there in some degree, but it has helped to shape the person you are. You should be proud of that person, Jonathan. You are extremely likable, intelligent, and have a great wit. You survived that horror we call school, and came out more tolerant and understanding because of it. I wish more people were like you. I think society as a whole would be better off if they were.

    • That’s true. I think I’ve tried to bury my painful past when I should’ve just channeled it into something creative and positive. In pretending these bad things never happened, I could never move on. I’m free from the past now. 🙂

      Thank you so much for the kind words. I feel the same about you. I think schools are finally waking up and realizing that bullying is a massive problem and it’s killing kids. Change will be slow, but I hope that if I ever have kids, they will go to schools where bullying is not tolerated and individually is encouraged. It would break my heart if my child had to go though what I went through.

  3. One more comment I want to make here. I too have always loved the flute (still do). When it came time in grade school to choose an instrument, I was afraid of the ridicule that would ensue if I chose such a “feminine” instrument. Therefore, I also chose the trumpet, and haaaaated it. I maybe lasted a year before I gave it up. Cheers.

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