This is weird. I haven’t blogged in a solid year and a half. I haven’t really done any writing in about a year. There’s so much to share and yet I wonder if I should. My therapist tasked me with writing something before our next session. Here goes nothing…
When I left off here, I had taken a voluntary demotion at work and I was in a good space. I was still writing for Carpe Nocturne and nothing too crazy was going on. Well, 2017 ended up being crazier than I ever imagined it could be. In April of 2017, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Talk about scary, bad news. The cancer was Stage 2 and hadn’t spread, so the doctors were confident that they could cure it and that my dad would make a full recovery. They were right. My dad is happy and healthy today thanks to the wonderful medical staff at U of M. The road to recovery was rocky, filled with radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and fear. The doctors actually took out my dad’s esophagus and built him a new one out of the top of his stomach. So wild to think about. He lost a lot of weight and couldn’t eat normal food for a while, since the surgery is similar to gastric bypass. He had to spend so much time in the hospital. But, his cancer was cured and my whole family feels very lucky.
During the summer of 2017, I took a risk and started performing at some open mic nights. It was scary, but super fun. I put on my stage outfits and sang some of my favorite covers. People were super supportive and nice and I felt very welcome. I realized I could be myself on stage and express myself in a new way.
Then came Halloween, my mom’s birthday. She didn’t look good and wasn’t acting right when we were passing out candy to the trick or treaters, but she pushed through. I found out the next morning that she was in the hospital with major heart issues. She had a 99% blockage in the main artery to her heart plus blockages in her other arteries and could have died. She had called an ambulance after I left that night because she just didn’t feel right. Thank God she did. She had to have surgery to clear the blockage and she quit smoking that night. Her recovery has also been difficult, but she went to cardiac rehab, is on new medications and she’s back to work. Again, I’m just so happy she’s alive. I don’t know what I would do without her. She had to have foot surgery this past May and that has also been a slow recovery because Achilles tendons are a bitch. I’m so sick of hospitals and I hope I don’t have to go to another one anytime soon.
All of this stress took a toll on me. I thought I was having heart problems, so I got checked out at the doctor and all was fine. It was anxiety. I realized I needed to talk to someone. I hadn’t been in therapy since I was 15, so I was super nervous but it’s been super helpful and I enjoy it. I also started taking anti-anxiety and blood pressure meds. I never wanted to be on psychotropic meds, but I just couldn’t manage my anxiety anymore and it was seriously affecting my job and personal life. At the beginning of 2018, I got a new job and my first real boyfriend. Lots of change. I’m now a Data Support Specialist at the same agency, so I work with data, build dashboards, manage databases and all that geeky stuff. I’ve learned so much and my job even paid for me to take a community college class! Super awesome. However, the job is stressful and I have to work harder than I ever have before, including taking work home and meeting strict deadlines. The pros definitely outweigh the cons, though. Unfortunately, me and my boyfriend broke up in May. It devastated me. I still love him, but he wasn’t healthy for me. He didn’t make time for me, he wasn’t very nice to me and he even said he didn’t love me. There were good times, too, but the bad was really bad. My heart was broken because I loved him more than anything and I tried everything to make it work. I haven’t seen him since the breakup and it’s been really hard. But, I deserve better.
I’ve been doing a little online dating and no offense, but I haven’t met a normal person yet. By normal I mean someone who doesn’t lie, just want sex or ghost me. My favorite was the guy I discovered was a former Catfish that appeared on the TV show. Nice. Needless to say, I’ve taken an indefinite break from online dating. I stopped writing for Carpe Nocturne around the summer of last year. It was a big time commitment and I didn’t feel the appreciation or respect from the magazine anymore. I also saw the quality go down. It appears the magazine has shut down now, which is super sad. I had a lot of fun writing for CN and made new friends and connections. I mean, I got to interview Kerli and Lindsey Stirling! I’ve been thinking of writing for another publication, but I just don’t have a lot of time or motivation.
Currently, I’m trying to get back to making music and writing more. This is my first step in that direction. It feels good to get everything off my chest. Life is hard and I definitely don’t have my shit together. I’m just doing the best I can and trying my best to be happy. I hope to write a lot more often here. I hope to see my blog friends return as well. 😉 Now I need to sleep. I’m getting old. I can’t stay up late like I used to. lol