Guess Who’s Back?

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This is weird. I haven’t blogged in a solid year and a half. I haven’t really done any writing in about a year. There’s so much to share and yet I wonder if I should. My therapist tasked me with writing something before our next session. Here goes nothing…

When I left off here, I had taken a voluntary demotion at work and I was in a good space. I was still writing for Carpe Nocturne and nothing too crazy was going on. Well, 2017 ended up being crazier than I ever imagined it could be. In April of 2017, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Talk about scary, bad news. The cancer was Stage 2 and hadn’t spread, so the doctors were confident that they could cure it and that my dad would make a full recovery. They were right. My dad is happy and healthy today thanks to the wonderful medical staff at U of M. The road to recovery was rocky, filled with radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and fear. The doctors actually took out my dad’s esophagus and built him a new one out of the top of his stomach. So wild to think about. He lost a lot of weight and couldn’t eat normal food for a while, since the surgery is similar to gastric bypass. He had to spend so much time in the hospital. But, his cancer was cured and my whole family feels very lucky.

During the summer of 2017, I took a risk and started performing at some open mic nights. It was scary, but super fun. I put on my stage outfits and sang some of my favorite covers. People were super supportive and nice and I felt very welcome. I realized I could be myself on stage and express myself in a new way.

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Then came Halloween, my mom’s birthday. She didn’t look good and wasn’t acting right when we were passing out candy to the trick or treaters, but she pushed through. I found out the next morning that she was in the hospital with major heart issues. She had a 99% blockage in the main artery to her heart plus blockages in her other arteries and could have died. She had called an ambulance after I left that night because she just didn’t feel right. Thank God she did. She had to have surgery to clear the blockage and she quit smoking that night. Her recovery has also been difficult, but she went to cardiac rehab, is on new medications and she’s back to work. Again, I’m just so happy she’s alive. I don’t know what I would do without her. She had to have foot surgery this past May and that has also been a slow recovery because Achilles tendons are a bitch. I’m so sick of hospitals and I hope I don’t have to go to another one anytime soon.

All of this stress took a toll on me. I thought I was having heart problems, so I got checked out at the doctor and all was fine. It was anxiety. I realized I needed to talk to someone. I hadn’t been in therapy since I was 15, so I was super nervous but it’s been super helpful and I enjoy it. I also started taking anti-anxiety and blood pressure meds. I never wanted to be on psychotropic meds, but I just couldn’t manage my anxiety anymore and it was seriously affecting my job and personal life. At the beginning of 2018, I got a new job and my first real boyfriend. Lots of change. I’m now a Data Support Specialist at the same agency, so I work with data, build dashboards, manage databases and all that geeky stuff. I’ve learned so much and my job even paid for me to take a community college class! Super awesome. However, the job is stressful and I have to work harder than I ever have before, including taking work home and meeting strict deadlines. The pros definitely outweigh the cons, though. Unfortunately, me and my boyfriend broke up in May. It devastated me. I still love him, but he wasn’t healthy for me. He didn’t make time for me, he wasn’t very nice to me and he even said he didn’t love me. There were good times, too, but the bad was really bad. My heart was broken because I loved him more than anything and I tried everything to make it work. I haven’t seen him since the breakup and it’s been really hard. But, I deserve better.

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THOT. I took a vacation.

I’ve been doing a little online dating and no offense, but I haven’t met a normal person yet. By normal I mean someone who doesn’t lie, just want sex or ghost me. My favorite was the guy I discovered was a former Catfish that appeared on the TV show. Nice. Needless to say, I’ve taken an indefinite break from online dating. I stopped writing for Carpe Nocturne around the summer of last year. It was a big time commitment and I didn’t feel the appreciation or respect from the magazine anymore. I also saw the quality go down. It appears the magazine has shut down now, which is super sad. I had a lot of fun writing for CN and made new friends and connections. I mean, I got to interview Kerli and Lindsey Stirling! I’ve been thinking of writing for another publication, but I just don’t have a lot of time or motivation.

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Concert lewk. 

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I saw Amelia Arsenic from Angelspit perform live. Epic!

Currently, I’m trying to get back to making music and writing more. This is my first step in that direction. It feels good to get everything off my chest. Life is hard and I definitely don’t have my shit together. I’m just doing the best I can and trying my best to be happy. I hope to write a lot more often here. I hope to see my blog friends return as well. ūüėČ Now I need to sleep. I’m getting old. I can’t stay up late like I used to. lol

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Happy Holidays!

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Happy holidays everyone! I hope you’re all having great times with friends and family. I had a wonderful Christmas and I am thoroughly enjoying a nice long¬†break from work. To celebrate the festive season, I wanted to record a Christmas cover this year. I was researching which song I wanted to cover and came across an Erasure classic called “She Won’t Be Home”. I’d never heard the song before, but instantly become entranced by the melancholy lyrics and synthy goodness. Plus, I adore Erasure, so it was a no brainer to take this on. The recording process was quite interesting. First, I wanted to finish it before Christmas. That didn’t happen. When I finally went to start recording vocals, I noticed that my computer wasn’t recognizing my professional¬†microphone. I did some research and found out that the Windows 10 update could be the culprit. Whatever I tried, I couldn’t get the mic to work and ended up accidentally breaking it. Hooray! Granted, the mic was probably five years old, but I loved it and that sucks. So, I was forced to record my vocals trashy style on my camera. Please excuse the imperfect quality. Also, my vocals fall behind the music at the end. It’s annoying and editing was a bitch.¬†Anyways, I hope you guys like it. At least I look cute, right? lol

I just got my hair done as well. I’m dyeing it colors according to holidays (I got the idea from LeahMouse on YouTube), so I picked pink for Valentine’s Day. I’m bringing the Gothic My Little Pony look¬†back! I seriously love the color. I thought the makeup I paired with the new hair was pretty, too.

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My family is doing really well and I’m taking a voluntary¬†demotion at work to decrease my stress levels in the new year. 2016 was truly an insane year and I learned a lot about myself and the quality of life I want. I’m exploring career options outside of my field of study and freelance writing gigs that pay since I’m taking a pay cut along with my demotion. I realize that I’m at a dead end in my current job and I’m ready for something new. I was offered a supervisory position, but I really have no desire to supervise people. I’ve found that people just don’t work as hard as me or care as much as I do and it really bothers me, so I don’t need the headache. I’m going to be a bit selfish and look out for myself first and foremost in 2017.

Last month, I met one of my favorite music artists of all time, Jennifer Parkin¬†from the group¬†Ayria!¬†Her show was phenomenal and I danced and sang my ass off to all of my favorite songs. We shared a heart to heart after the show. I told her what an inspiration she was to me and how her music got me through some tough times.¬†My teenage years were a trip, let me tell you! She encouraged me to¬†keep working toward my dream of becoming an artist like her. Jennifer was super sweet and I’ll always treasure this night.

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Me and Jennifer! Ignore the fact that I look like a sweaty puffy coke whore. ūüėõ

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Baddie alert! Me and my bestie Ali.

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The Cybergoth concert look. Jennifer loved my sparkly jewelry.

My family adopted a couple of families in need¬†for Christmas this year. It was so much fun to shop for the kids and it’s one of my favorite things to do for the holidays. I enjoy giving gifts so much more than receiving them.¬†I¬†did get¬†some really awesome gifts as well. A new bookcase for my office, an electric fireplace to fix the drafty back room of¬†my house and my Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie that I wore in my Christmas cover video. My sister knows me too well! I got my technologically challenged dad a tablet and he hasn’t put it down since Christmas. haha

I always have some new music artist discoveries to share. I seem to have fallen back into a Swedish Pop obsession and I kinda love it. The Swedes just do Pop best, I’m sorry! Dolly Style is a sickeningly sweet trio with influences from Japanese cultures like Lolita and Fairy Kei. Their names are Molly, Holly and Polly and I can’t get their songs or fashion¬†out of my head. One of them (Polly with the purple hair)¬†even looks like a BubbleGoth doll. I can’t!

I’m really addicted to Swedish Idol contestant Charlie Gr√∂nvall. I think I stumbled upon one of his videos after a Dolly Style video. I’m sort of superficial and when I saw his emo glam look complete with painted nails, black fringe and eyeliner I melted. He totally reminds me of Adam Lambert. I guess his grandfather is a member of the¬†legendary Swedish group ABBA and his parents are both famous singers as well. Now, it usually bothers me when people with famous family members come on competition shows because I question their motives. That’s not the case with Charlie. He comes off as super genuine and you can feel his love for music. He’s been in a couple of other bands over the years (Bracelet and Little Great Things) and the music is really great. Sadly, he came in third place in the competition, but I’m sure he’ll have a successful career. I’m already planning a trip to Sweden to abduct him.

I hope everyone is pumped for 2017! It has to be a better year than 2016, right!? I’ve watched so many bloggers give up on their blogs during my five years on WordPress and it’s really sad. Some have disappeared and we’ve completely lost touch. I don’t want to be one of those people. Blogs might be a dying art form with attention spans diminishing and instant gratification on the rise, but sharing my life in writing is so therapeutic to me. I love to read about other people’s adventures and challenges as well. Never give up!

I’m excited to¬†create more music, continue writing for Carpe Nocturne, make some career moves, and share it all with you! This is just the beginning.

Much love,

~Asylum Attendant

An Explanation

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I don’t really know what to say. I can’t believe how much time has passed since my last post. I took a break from blogging for personal reasons and it seems I left for good. I can’t even really say that I’m back for good either. But, I feel like I owe my friends an explanation for my absence. So, I decided to record the video above. The video is raw and very real. I’ve missed my fellow bloggers so much and I haven’t forgotten about any of you. Sometimes I go into a cocoon to protect myself and recharge when horrible, stressful things happen. That may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s how I survive. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with all of you, the people I¬†know truly understand me. I feel¬†much better breaking the silence, even if that makes me vulnerable. I hope my honesty makes up for my absence.

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I made a Steampunk top hat in the Spring…super proud of it!

Things aren’t all doom and gloom, though. I wanted to record a fun, spooky video for you guys as well. Last year, Samm Sanity nominated me for the Halloween Tag and I never got around to doing it. Well, I finally did! Watch my struggle with fake nails and sassy mouth below. lol

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Don’t forget that orange and black hurr for Halloween, gurl.

I have so many exciting things to share with you all. Just know that I’m always here, whether I post or not. You guys have helped to make this my home and I’ll never forget that. I’ll leave you with an acapella video of me singing a song for a competition I auditioned for over the summer. I didn’t make it into the competition, but I’m just proud of myself for having the balls to audition. And I think I’ll take another crack at this song soon. ūüėČ Voice lessons are so much fun and have really improved my confidence and vocal range! ¬†Happy Halloween!!!

 

Lady Gaga Cover

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A new song cover and music video¬†after almost a year? That’s right! Lady Gaga is actually a big inspiration to me and “Poker Face” is my favorite one of her songs. The vibe of it is dark and sexual, which is really appealing. I had a clear vision for the music video. I wanted to show off¬†my two very different sides: the normal me that I portray at work every day and the eccentric artist I transform into. I think this might be the first time I’m sharing both of the worlds I inhabit. Some of you may have never seen the subdued me before, but that’s what I show to society most of the time. The normal persona is my poker face. Most people never get to see the makeup, the fashion and the glam. Which side do you prefer? I really love that this song touches on bisexuality. My sexuality is a substantial part of who I am and showing it in a playful way is quite fun. This¬†is also the first video I’ve filmed in my new house, so you get to see some of my¬†humble abode.¬†You can download the cover for free¬†on my Soundcloud page below.

More music is soon to come! I think I’ll try a ballad next. I can be¬†serious sometimes. ūüėȬ†I also have new posts on a hair dye review and my house transformation in the works. Happy Spring!

I’m an Asshole

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I’m an asshole and I’m sorry. I hate people who don’t keep promises. I am one of those people. I never want to disappoint my readers and most of all, myself. My busy life really isn’t an excuse. I’d rather be blogging and making music than working a job I’m not passionate about, trust me. I’ve come to the realization that something has to give. Unfortunately, that can’t be my day job. I’ve tried to balance everything and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know what that means for all of my creative endeavors. I need creativity to survive, but the stress of trying to maintain it is also killing me. I really hope one day I don’t have to deal with this struggle. If anyone has any advice on how to balance a busy life, then please let me know. I’m failing miserably at a low stress life. I never get sick and I’ve been terribly ill for the last week with no voice, a terrible cough and then a head cold on top of it all. I finally feel like I’m getting a little better. I’ve been keeping up with everyone else’s blogs and you guys are doing really awesome things. I’m seriously so inspired by the creativity and talent I see every day on WordPress. You guys blow me away!

Good stuff is happening in my life, even if I haven’t posted about it until now. The Winter 2016 issue of Carpe Nocturne came out about two months ago. I wrote an Alternative Male¬†Shopping Guide, a piece on Faroese fantasy musician Eiv√łr, CD reviews on Melanie Martinez and Still Patient, my Sanctuary of the Strange column about my journey from Emo to Goth and my poem Not Like the Rest. Pick up a digital copy here or a physical copy here. I’m in love with our cover this time. Ash Costello from the great band New Years Day dressed as Harley Quinn. Epic!

Winter 2016

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I’ve also been moved into my new house for about two months now. I love it! Having my own space for the first time in my life is really fun. I think my favorite part is singing at the top of my lungs pretty much constantly. I’m going to do a whole post or two with before and after photos of the house, but I think I’ll give a sneak preview right now.

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Work is an adjustment right now. I’m sort of in a middle management role and I don’t enjoy babysitting people. I like training and helping staff, but the petty bullshit I can’t stand. I’m thinking about going back to school for¬†some sort of¬†Master’s degree. Yet, I already have no time. Going back to high school sounds really awesome sometimes. lol

Some of you might be familiar with my favorite singer Kerli. I haven’t posted about her in quite some time. Well, she finally released her comeback single “Feral Hearts” and it’s literally the best thing she’s ever done. Kerli’s back in a big way as the song urges the listener to connect with their true self and the nature surrounding them. I feel like Kerli lost her message for a bit being tied to a major label. This is the art she is supposed to be creating. This is the girl I fell in love with eight years ago. The music video for “Feral Hearts” is a dream with Kerli portraying different mystical creatures amongst gorgeous Estonian nature. Please support her in any way you can as she’s now an independent artist.¬†You won’t regret it. Her new album should be out later on this year.

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That’s about it for now. I think my voice is almost well enough for me¬†to start singing again. Spring is basically here and I love that because snow isn’t my thing. How do you film a music video in a snowy graveyard?! I mean come on. Feel very free to call out my absence and excuses. I deserve it. Damn, we’re about to lose an hour for Daylight Saving Time. Can I catch a break? lol Talk to you guys soon…and I mean it. ūüėČ

Lindsey Stirling Interview!

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Say what!? The Fall Goth¬†issue of Carpe Nocturne Magazine is out now with my biggest interview yet… world famous violinist Lindsey Stirling! I really can’t believe I pulled this off. Lindsey is so inspirational and thoughtful. She’s definitely one-of-a-kind. I’m super happy that I got the chance to converse with her. You can check out the whole interview on Magzter.com: http://www.magzter.com/US/Visual-Adjectives/Carpe-Nocturne/Entertainment/.

I also wrote articles on androgynous synthwave music¬†artist Jack Strify and model and YouTuber Caligo Bastet, CD reviews of Nic Nassuet and Ashbury Heights, and Sanctuary of the Strange was all about marriage equality this time. My poem Masquerade is also in the mix…a first heartbreak really is the best inspiration. Hope you guys enjoy!

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Impromptu Photo Shoot

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2010-12-31 23.00.00-33Did that grab your attention? lol Does a new photo shoot make up for my disappearance from the blog? Probably not, but at least it’s sort of exciting. My birthday was on September 16 and it seems like Summer ended super abruptly. It was barely 40 degrees yesterday! Not even remotely okay. I had a wonderful birthday and received a lot of housewarming gifts, which is awesome. I’ve got all my bathroom accessories now. ūüėĬ†I always splurge on myself around my birthday, too. That included buying a $100 pair of adorable cat face creepers and a bunch of stuff from VampireFreaks which I’m modeling in the photo shoot. The fishnet has returned. haha¬†Let’s jump on in!

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Look Number One was a cute gothic style. I’ve wanted bone hair clips for a long time and found some on VampireFreaks. That’s also where the shirt with the creepy kids in the graveyard came from. How freaking cute is that?! I also got the spike choker and neon green bracelet from VF. Am I the only person freaked out by chokers? I’m afraid they will cut off my air supply. XD I actually cut a new hole in the choker to make it looser on my neck. I overcame the fear for the look. lol And then there are my adorable creepers. I have a real white cat at home and I couldn’t resist. I hope I don’t have to relinquish my Goth card now.

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Look Number Two just sort of happened. A bit¬†Cybergoth on the sexy side.¬†I don’t think I’ve ever shown this much skin on here…I suppose I’m growing more comfortable with my body. I’ve never been skinny, I have skin problems and I don’t care. I love fishnet and being edgy, so that’s what I went with here. I hope I didn’t go over the top. But, that’s just who I am.

I had a blast putting these photos together and I’m so glad I made time to take them. I was all set to take the photos in my bare bones new house, but fate had other plans. I still pulled it off I think. Next, I think I’ll post some tags and soon comes my biggest announcement ever. You don’t want to miss it…trust me!