Guess Who’s Back?

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This is weird. I haven’t blogged in a solid year and a half. I haven’t really done any writing in about a year. There’s so much to share and yet I wonder if I should. My therapist tasked me with writing something before our next session. Here goes nothing…

When I left off here, I had taken a voluntary demotion at work and I was in a good space. I was still writing for Carpe Nocturne and nothing too crazy was going on. Well, 2017 ended up being crazier than I ever imagined it could be. In April of 2017, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Talk about scary, bad news. The cancer was Stage 2 and hadn’t spread, so the doctors were confident that they could cure it and that my dad would make a full recovery. They were right. My dad is happy and healthy today thanks to the wonderful medical staff at U of M. The road to recovery was rocky, filled with radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and fear. The doctors actually took out my dad’s esophagus and built him a new one out of the top of his stomach. So wild to think about. He lost a lot of weight and couldn’t eat normal food for a while, since the surgery is similar to gastric bypass. He had to spend so much time in the hospital. But, his cancer was cured and my whole family feels very lucky.

During the summer of 2017, I took a risk and started performing at some open mic nights. It was scary, but super fun. I put on my stage outfits and sang some of my favorite covers. People were super supportive and nice and I felt very welcome. I realized I could be myself on stage and express myself in a new way.

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Then came Halloween, my mom’s birthday. She didn’t look good and wasn’t acting right when we were passing out candy to the trick or treaters, but she pushed through. I found out the next morning that she was in the hospital with major heart issues. She had a 99% blockage in the main artery to her heart plus blockages in her other arteries and could have died. She had called an ambulance after I left that night because she just didn’t feel right. Thank God she did. She had to have surgery to clear the blockage and she quit smoking that night. Her recovery has also been difficult, but she went to cardiac rehab, is on new medications and she’s back to work. Again, I’m just so happy she’s alive. I don’t know what I would do without her. She had to have foot surgery this past May and that has also been a slow recovery because Achilles tendons are a bitch. I’m so sick of hospitals and I hope I don’t have to go to another one anytime soon.

All of this stress took a toll on me. I thought I was having heart problems, so I got checked out at the doctor and all was fine. It was anxiety. I realized I needed to talk to someone. I hadn’t been in therapy since I was 15, so I was super nervous but it’s been super helpful and I enjoy it. I also started taking anti-anxiety and blood pressure meds. I never wanted to be on psychotropic meds, but I just couldn’t manage my anxiety anymore and it was seriously affecting my job and personal life. At the beginning of 2018, I got a new job and my first real boyfriend. Lots of change. I’m now a Data Support Specialist at the same agency, so I work with data, build dashboards, manage databases and all that geeky stuff. I’ve learned so much and my job even paid for me to take a community college class! Super awesome. However, the job is stressful and I have to work harder than I ever have before, including taking work home and meeting strict deadlines. The pros definitely outweigh the cons, though. Unfortunately, me and my boyfriend broke up in May. It devastated me. I still love him, but he wasn’t healthy for me. He didn’t make time for me, he wasn’t very nice to me and he even said he didn’t love me. There were good times, too, but the bad was really bad. My heart was broken because I loved him more than anything and I tried everything to make it work. I haven’t seen him since the breakup and it’s been really hard. But, I deserve better.

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THOT. I took a vacation.

I’ve been doing a little online dating and no offense, but I haven’t met a normal person yet. By normal I mean someone who doesn’t lie, just want sex or ghost me. My favorite was the guy I discovered was a former Catfish that appeared on the TV show. Nice. Needless to say, I’ve taken an indefinite break from online dating. I stopped writing for Carpe Nocturne around the summer of last year. It was a big time commitment and I didn’t feel the appreciation or respect from the magazine anymore. I also saw the quality go down. It appears the magazine has shut down now, which is super sad. I had a lot of fun writing for CN and made new friends and connections. I mean, I got to interview Kerli and Lindsey Stirling! I’ve been thinking of writing for another publication, but I just don’t have a lot of time or motivation.

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Concert lewk. 

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I saw Amelia Arsenic from Angelspit perform live. Epic!

Currently, I’m trying to get back to making music and writing more. This is my first step in that direction. It feels good to get everything off my chest. Life is hard and I definitely don’t have my shit together. I’m just doing the best I can and trying my best to be happy. I hope to write a lot more often here. I hope to see my blog friends return as well. 😉 Now I need to sleep. I’m getting old. I can’t stay up late like I used to. lol

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Impromptu Photo Shoot

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2010-12-31 23.00.00-33Did that grab your attention? lol Does a new photo shoot make up for my disappearance from the blog? Probably not, but at least it’s sort of exciting. My birthday was on September 16 and it seems like Summer ended super abruptly. It was barely 40 degrees yesterday! Not even remotely okay. I had a wonderful birthday and received a lot of housewarming gifts, which is awesome. I’ve got all my bathroom accessories now. 😀 I always splurge on myself around my birthday, too. That included buying a $100 pair of adorable cat face creepers and a bunch of stuff from VampireFreaks which I’m modeling in the photo shoot. The fishnet has returned. haha Let’s jump on in!

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Look Number One was a cute gothic style. I’ve wanted bone hair clips for a long time and found some on VampireFreaks. That’s also where the shirt with the creepy kids in the graveyard came from. How freaking cute is that?! I also got the spike choker and neon green bracelet from VF. Am I the only person freaked out by chokers? I’m afraid they will cut off my air supply. XD I actually cut a new hole in the choker to make it looser on my neck. I overcame the fear for the look. lol And then there are my adorable creepers. I have a real white cat at home and I couldn’t resist. I hope I don’t have to relinquish my Goth card now.

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Look Number Two just sort of happened. A bit Cybergoth on the sexy side. I don’t think I’ve ever shown this much skin on here…I suppose I’m growing more comfortable with my body. I’ve never been skinny, I have skin problems and I don’t care. I love fishnet and being edgy, so that’s what I went with here. I hope I didn’t go over the top. But, that’s just who I am.

I had a blast putting these photos together and I’m so glad I made time to take them. I was all set to take the photos in my bare bones new house, but fate had other plans. I still pulled it off I think. Next, I think I’ll post some tags and soon comes my biggest announcement ever. You don’t want to miss it…trust me!

Stoker

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Stoker

Initially, I was leery to watch this movie because I thought it was about vampires. I’m just not that into those creatures of the night. However, Stoker turned out to be a smart and mysterious psychological thriller with a very strange girl named India (Mia Wasikowska) at the center of the twisted plot. Keep your pencils away from this girl!

The film begins with the death of India’s father Richard on her 18th birthday. India doesn’t seem extremely upset over this. If anything, she’s apathetic. This is the first indication that India is not your normal teenage girl. India also doesn’t have a close bond with her mother, Evelyn (Nicole Kidman). India always spent more time hunting with her father, leaving her mother out. At Richard’s funeral, the two are reunited with India’s long lost Uncle Charlie (Matthew Goode). His thick layer of charm and good looks are rather unnerving. Charlie decides to stay with India and Evelyn during the difficult time. Let the odd events begin.

Evelyn falls for Charlie’s sly tricks instantly, but India is very standoffish at first as Charlie relentlessly tries to win her over. He buys her ice cream, offers her rides to school, and cooks lavish dinners, but India isn’t having any of it. Soon after Charlie’s arrival, people close to the women begin to disappear. The truth about Charlie’s past eventually comes out and once it does, India has to make a decision. Out with the old or in with the new?

There is so much to talk about in this film. Symbolism is very important here. Charlie’s belt, the spiders, India’s shoes…they all add to the mystery and drama of the plot. Every year on her birthday, India gets a new pair of the exact same black and white flats. These represent her childhood. Near the end of the film, Uncle Charlie gifts India a pair of black high heels, signaling her transition into womanhood. She cannot go back to simpler times. Also interesting is how India attracts spiders. One even crawls up her leg. India is much like a spider with the honed senses she used to hunt animals for years.

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Mia Wasikowska managed to portray the awkward, complex India with ease. I didn’t know that she also played Alice in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. I’m ashamed to admit I’ve never seen that version. After seeing Mia’s striking performance in Stoker, I just have to see her as Alice.  The dark visuals and eerie atmosphere of the film are similar to a Gothic fairy tale. The evil uncle, tragedy, and a loss of innocence are all themes that can be found in authentic fairy tales. Though, I don’t think Stoker would be appropriate to be made into a children’s story. It’s much too sexual and violent for that.

I kind of have a crush on crazy Uncle Charlie. There’s a ridiculous scene in the film where India refuses to take a ride from Charlie and all the girls on her school bus swoon and giggle over how handsome he is. Matthew Goode is certainly easy on the eyes. He dresses impeccably in Stoker and is always the perfect gentleman. His character reminds me of someone I once had a thing for: beautiful on the outside, but cuckoo bananas on the inside. Uncle Charlie spent some time in a psychiatric hospital, so maybe that’s why I like him. You know I’m drawn to the crazies!

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Nicole Kidman was also awesome in this film. The scene in which she wishes life would tear her daughter India apart is probably my favorite from the movie. So badass. It’s definitely a turning point.

I would highly recommend this film to my gothy readers. I think you’ll fall in love with India like I have. 🙂