Bored at Work

7

What should a person do when they are not needed in any way at their place of employment? This is my dilemma. I’m writing this while I sit bored out of my mind at my job. I never have any work to do. My fellow co-workers don’t speak to me because no one wanted my position to exist in the first place. I’m the only member of my team that’s ever here (there’s only four of us) and my boss was moved elsewhere to work shortly after I began this job. She works for another agency now, but she’s still my supervisor. Okay…that is completely logical. I can’t ask for more work because I don’t want to lose my job. At the same time, I don’t care about working here any longer. I just want to hit my six months next month, get a paid week of vacation, and transfer somewhere else within the agency. My company has a fun rule in which you can’t transfer to another position within the company until you’ve worked here for six months. It’s been a very long six months, let me tell you.

I can tolerate working pretty much anywhere if my coworkers are fun. These people have been horrid from jump street. They don’t speak when I greet them and never initiate a conversation with me. From my observations, they don’t do much work either, but I think they enjoy that. Being the only member of my team that works in a large room with these people doesn’t help. I’ve been told that no one thought my supervisor needed an assistant (me). Guess what? They’re totally right! However, I don’t deserve rude treatment just for getting this job. I’ve even asked my coworkers if I could help them in any way, but nothing came of it. So I gave up. You don’t care, I don’t care. I can sit and read all day, not uttering a word to anyone. It’s been a complete role reversal from the non-stop talking I did at my last job. Be careful what you wish for.

My supervisor(s) don’t know what they’re doing. I have one at my agency and one from another agency (who was initially at my agency). Sidenote: I was overjoyed when my supervisor was forced to transfer to the other agency. I can’t stand her. Anyways, the supervisor at my agency doesn’t even speak to me. She signs my timesheet (when she feels like it…nice) and that is the only communication I have with her. That makes me feel awesome and appreciated. (Right after I typed this, she called me for the first time ever. So strange…) My other supervisor is all looks and no substance. She’s very pretty, but dumb as hell. Apparently she’s an ex-Budweiser beer model. Yep. And you ended up in social work how…? She’s steadily pushed all of her work onto me and calls me the new her. Excuse me? Unless I’m going to get your old salary for doing the same job as you, don’t you dare say that. She was making double what I do for the same position. Does she really think I’m going to go above and beyond knowing that?

I do enjoy the freedom I have with this job. I can come and go as I please, take long lunches, and run personal errands. No one checks on me or monitors what I’m doing. I’m too scared and honest to just work from home, but I probably could get away with it. I’ve never had this much freedom anywhere else I’ve worked. But, at some level, you want your employer to care about you. I feel like a waste of space. It’s depressing.

I only have one coworker that I like. So sad. But, she’s saved me from quitting. She makes me laugh, I can trust and talk to her for hours, and she helps me with whatever crazy tasks get thrown my way. She’s also worried that her position is getting phased out. She doesn’t have much work to do either. In fact, my whole team has a light load. Supervisors have got to be aware of this and look the other way.

The work I do get is not my thing. I hate planning events and being an accountant, especially since I’m supposed to be doing social work. Driving to Detroit with huge containers of hot coffee and tons of bags of food is never fun. People can call me stuck-up or whatever. I’ve lived near Detroit my entire life. I never want to work there. It’s trashy, run-down and I don’t belong there. Send the hate my way. Most of my team works in Detroit, but I’m lucky that I don’t. I would have already quit if I was forced to work there full-time. The eight-story building is super old and I always think my car is going to get broke into. Not worth the stress. This is one case when old architecture does not interest me in the slightest.

I’m fine with taking notes, creating agendas and presentations, and organizing things. I just wish there was more of that. People ask me what I do and I don’t know what to tell them. I have to lie to appear busy. I want work to do! And that doesn’t include cleaning someone’s office in Detroit…that was total bullshit.

Now that I’m finished venting, I must figure out where to go from here. Do I want to stick with social work or jump into something new? I’d love to perform my own music in Goth/industrial clubs around the world, but is that really going to happen? I have to have a steady income and I can always lead a double life on the side. The struggle! I’ll leave you guys with some fun, creepy music…

Death

5

Where do I even begin? Creatively, things just haven’t been blossoming for me. I don’t have time to take crazy photos, make song covers, or even write anymore. I hate it, because those are the activities that make me the happiest.

I suppose I should go into details. Three people (two family members and one close neighbor) died recently and it’s just drained everything from me. I physically cannot go to another funeral. Just yesterday, my uncle’s body was found in a creek behind an abandoned factory. He had been missing since January in the worst winter I’ve ever experienced in Michigan. My family knew he was dead, but we couldn’t be absolutely sure until his body was found. My mom had to go with my aunts to identify his body at the morgue. I feel so bad for her. I know I’m dark and have a fascination with morbid stuff, but this is repulsing and completely horrid.

My uncle had a rough life. But, it was his own doing. As a child, he began huffing gasoline, paint thinner, and anything else that would give him a high. Why anyone would do such a thing is beyond me. My mom has told me stories about my uncle huffing paint thinner-soaked rags in a crawl space underneath her childhood home and the horrendous smell of it when her family dragged him out. His wild eyes were burned into my mom’s memory forever. From huffing gas, my uncle went on to become a criminal, the worst alcoholic I’ve ever seen, and in general a terrorist to his own family. My grandparents took him to psychiatric hospitals and specialists from all over to try and get help for him, but nothing worked. He ended up in jail more times than anyone could count and was homeless as well. I don’t think he ever held a real job and made money in a unique way. He would ride his bike everyday to gas stations all throughout the community to collect soda bottles in dumpsters that he could return for cash to buy booze. He was a legitimate dumpster diver.

I’m sure I sound heartless and apathetic relating my uncle’s life story, but that’s because I never had a relationship with him. He rarely came to family functions. When he did, he was wasted and acting like a fool. I was really afraid of him. I’m tearing up now because I realize that I did love him. Everyone in the family had cut themselves off completely from feeling any emotion towards him for so long. I think we couldn’t allow ourselves to get hurt anymore. Now that he’s gone, we can finally be vulnerable again.

I can only remember one positive memory with my uncle. I was a kid and he showed up at our Christmas gathering with gifts for his nieces and nephews, which shocked us all.  They were super cheap gifts from a drugstore, but I know he was proud that he was able to buy them. I recall having a long conversation with him which was rambling and confusing. I’m sure it was due to the brain damage he undoubtedly suffered from huffing. However, through the conversation I could tell that he was proud of me. He encouraged me to stay in school and praised my good grades. I don’t think I ever spoke to him again after that. That conversation has always stayed with me, though.

In more recent times, there is only sadness surrounding thoughts of my uncle. My grandma (his mom) died a few years ago and he attempted to get clean for her funeral. A lot of people don’t know that alcohol is the one drug that you cannot quit cold turkey. You have to medically detox from it because the withdrawal is so dangerous. In the past, when my uncle got hit by cars while drunkenly riding his bike (the man was hit by more cars than I can count) and ended up in the hospital, the nurses would give him a can of beer. This was so he wouldn’t have a massive seizure due to the shock on his body from not drinking alcohol for an extended period of time. Alcoholics must be slowly weaned off of the drug. So, my uncle just stopped drinking completely a couple of days before the funeral and had a massive seizure, landing him unconscious. He was in intensive care in the hospital during my grandma’s funeral. He tried to do the right thing, which I give him credit for. It really was unfortunate that he couldn’t make it to his own mother’s funeral.

There are a lot of mysteries surrounding my uncle’s death. He left his house (where he lived with his evil girlfriend) in the middle of a huge snowstorm to get liquor, I believe. He was very disoriented and not in good health, having just been released from the hospital after he was found unconscious on the rat-infested basement floor of his house. His girlfriend and her family were supposed to be caring for him and obviously neglected him for days. He was barely alive when they found him, but my uncle could survive anything. My family knows that my uncle’s girlfriend was stealing his Social Security checks and that’s the only reason she wanted him to live with her. Her home was not a healthy environment for him, but I guess it was better than the streets.

Back to the day of my uncle’s death…his girlfriend got a call from my uncle some time after he left out into the snow that day. He was frantic and incoherent. He was talking about the water…the water…and a yellow building in the distance. It’s so eerie to imagine him dying. His girlfriend told him to call 911 for help, so he attempted, but he was still confused and they couldn’t figure out where he was located. His cell phone was pinging off various towers around the area. A half-assed search ensued as my uncle lived in a high crime city with a lazy police force. They didn’t care about finding him and it sickens me. It turns out that the water was a creek/river two feet deep behind a yellow abandoned steel factory five blocks long with a YELLOW fence encompassing it. And this location was only a few blocks from my uncle’s house. Seriously. His body was found by a fisherman and was badly decomposed as he had been exposed to the elements for months. We don’t know if he froze or drowned to death…or something more sinister. An autopsy is being conducted. So much is wrong with this whole situation. What an injustice!

My uncle’s girlfriend and her family supposedly looked for my uncle every day he was missing. They allegedly hung up photos of him around town and searched everywhere. But, didn’t think to look around the huge yellow factory right in their neighborhood. I detect major foul play, as the girlfriend continued to collect my uncle’s government checks long after he went missing. All of this sounds like a movie, I know. I’m exhausted just writing it all down.

We have to plan a funeral for my uncle and I can’t even think about it. I’m just hoping for better days ahead. I also wanted to mention that I had another uncle die recently from cancer, which was very sad. Attending his memorial held during a Greek Orthodox church service was quite an experience. And my sweet next door neighbor, who lived next to me my whole life, passed away from cancer earlier this month as well. She was always complaining, but had a huge heart and I miss her dearly. I spent a lot of time during the summers with her and her partner growing up. My house just isn’t the same anymore.

So, that’s what’s been happening in my life. I don’t want to bring anyone down with this post. I just have to get all of it out of my system to move on and get closure. This is my therapy. Summer will be here soon and that always makes me happy. I’m discussing moving out of my parent’s house and looking at places of my own, which is exciting. I also got contacts! So, I can actually play with makeup more because I’ll be able to see what I’m doing without wearing my glasses and not poke myself in the eye with an eyeliner pencil. I’m going to get back to recording songs and filming videos ;). Life will get better because it can’t get worse.

 Lots of love,

~Asylum

Transitions

4

January was just weird. And really uninspiring. Bitter, stupid cold temperatures and tons of snow didn’t help. However, some things happened that I must discuss.

I would say it’s been a positive start to the new year for me. I went on a job interview and learned I was the second choice, got an unexpected counteroffer on a job I originally declined, and had a big decision to make. Back in November, I accidentally applied for a support staff job at a mental health agency. I thought it was for a different program than what it ended up being. Two stressful interviews later, I was offered the position. Unfortunately, the pay was $2.00 less than what I make at my current job and the responsibility level was much higher. After much turmoil, I decided to turn the job down. It was hard because I wanted to leave my other job so bad. But, I refuse to get taken advantage of by an employer again. I know my worth.

Come January, I landed an interview for my dream job. I would have been using my degree to help people seeking a wide variety of mental health services. I would get them enrolled in services and conduct face to face assessments. I had applied to the job numerous times before and never got a call. The interview went really well, despite having to drive there in a blizzard. Thanks, Michigan. This is when a wrench got thrown into the mix.

Before I knew the status of the interview, I received a call from the same agency regarding the support staff job I had declined a month earlier. They had liked me so much that they increased the pay by more than $4.00, changed the job title to administrative assistant, and tailored the job to me. I was very flattered. It feels wonderful when a company has that much faith in you. But, what about my dream job that would pay more and be more suited to my strengths?

I called the lady who interviewed me and she informed me that they really liked me, but I was their second choice. Someone else had more experience and was more qualified. I find that hard to believe, but maybe that was a sign from the universe that the job just wasn’t meant for me. She said they wouldn’t be making an offer for a couple more weeks. The other person could decline or accept. I could decline the administrative assistant job for the second time and wait to see if this person declined the other job. Risky! Or I could take the job that wasn’t my first choice, but would still be a great opportunity. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever had to make. Absolutely overwhelming. I have never and will never make decisions easily.

I finally made up my mind. I took the administrative assistant job! It’s full-time, with great benefits and a substantial pay increase. It’s also much closer to my house and an exciting change. I start in a week. I’m so happy to be leaving the soul sucking hell of a job I currently have. A lot of the people I work with are great, but there are some truly horrid people there, too. And the commute is longgg. Really sucks when it decides to snow every single day.

I graduated college two years ago and I thought my life would be different than it is now. I definitely stayed at my go-nowhere job much too long and got comfortable not challenging myself. I got used and when I finally pushed back, I was put on management’s shit list. I don’t feel bad about leaving. I actually hope things fall apart without me. I suppose that’s cruel, but I think being forced to “work” (in quotations because I did all the work while she shopped online) with a loud-mouthed, ghetto, unhelpful bitch for two years straight was a travesty. I’ll stop there before this gets any more negative.

January was so wild that I’m eager to see what the coming months will bring. I’m ready to care again. I’m ready to learn all that I can. I know I’m doing what needs to be done. I’m scared and I’m growing. I got this.

By the way, I thought I’d share a song from the group Aesthetic Perfection’s new album “Til Death” out February 11. I’m loving their new poppy sound! It’s still industrial and dark enough, I think. 😉

Wish me luck at my new job!

Messy Life

3

I feel like I only blog when I have exciting news or something interesting to share. I don’t usually post through the lulls. So, I’m switching it up. This is going to be a life updates post. It’s probably going to get personal as I listen to Lorde. Damn, she’s brilliant.

My job is really stressing me out lately. I don’t feel appreciated by management and I also don’t agree with the way the agency is changing. There is no incentive for advancement. The workload keeps getting higher, but the pay is still dirt. Certain coworkers are becoming especially unbearable. I seriously had a nervous breakdown this past week because I didn’t get an internal job I interviewed for. My job description has changed and I was forced to interview just to stay employed. In my mind I know it’s time to move on. Either use my degree or do something else. I just suck at making decisions. I was never that kid growing up that knew they were going to be a fireman as an adult. I like too much. And I get bored with stuff really fast. Just because I like something doesn’t mean I’d like it as a career, either. I’ve been looking at other jobs in my field and it just frustrates me. None of them interest me. I think my parents are ready to beat my indecisive ass.

I guess I’m going to discuss something darker now. Someone close to me relapsed on drugs recently. He actually tried to kill himself by overdosing on pills a few days before my birthday last month. I understand addiction very well from all of the research I’ve done and personal experiences I’ve had. Regardless, I’m fucking pissed. When you take someone into your home for 6 months and provide them with everything they could need, it’s a huge slap in the face. It’s like he didn’t give a shit about the sacrifices my whole family made just for him. But, then I start feeling guilty, too. Maybe I could have spent more time with him, tried a bit harder to connect. Shit, I had therapy sessions with him. The helper in me always wants to take care of others in any way. I thought that I was a negative, depressed person but he’s on a different level. No one has it easy in life. Some just cope with problems better. Getting fucked up on pills isn’t going to fix anything. My family has had to let this person out of our lives. It’s horrible. I don’t want him to end up dead, but I can’t help him anymore. Fucking mental illness.

The rest of the stuff I have to say probably sounds stupid now. My body isn’t cooperating lately. This might be TMI, but I’ve developed this terrible skin rash all over my body. I don’t know if it’s from stress or weather change (though I can’t believe eczema could be so bad). I’m treating it with creams and it slowly seems to be getting better. It makes me super self-conscious. Thank god I don’t have a boyfriend. How embarrassing. My eyes are also jacked up. I’ve always had super high eye pressure, which can be an indication of glaucoma. I already have terrible vision, so I’d prefer not to go completely blind. I see an eye specialist to monitor and lower my eye pressure. During my past visit, the doctor was concerned with how high my pressure was. They used a special laser to lower it in the office, which they’ve never done before. Afterwards, my eye hurt so bad I couldn’t go to work. I just hope it worked.

In other lighter news, my hair is driving me crazy. It’s freaking orange. Nobody wants orange hair. I got portions of my hair bleached the last time I was at the salon. This was so the pink and purple dye would be more vibrant. Um, when that shit faded oh-so-quick I was left with a nasty orange color. Orange is my least favorite color. I don’t ever want to bleach my hair again. Or dye it random colors. I kind of want to go back to my natural color, medium brown. Or I’ll just do allover black as usual. I just love pastel hair, but it might not be for me.

Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed everyone, I’m gonna go. I should be filming a Hot Topic haul video very soon. Good idea? I got some super cute things. Lots of “Under the Sea” stuff. It’s prolly going to include a fun rant on their shit customer service, so I hope I don’t swear profusely. I don’t have a filter.

Until then,

~Asylum