Guess Who’s Back?

13

This is weird. I haven’t blogged in a solid year and a half. I haven’t really done any writing in about a year. There’s so much to share and yet I wonder if I should. My therapist tasked me with writing something before our next session. Here goes nothing…

When I left off here, I had taken a voluntary demotion at work and I was in a good space. I was still writing for Carpe Nocturne and nothing too crazy was going on. Well, 2017 ended up being crazier than I ever imagined it could be. In April of 2017, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Talk about scary, bad news. The cancer was Stage 2 and hadn’t spread, so the doctors were confident that they could cure it and that my dad would make a full recovery. They were right. My dad is happy and healthy today thanks to the wonderful medical staff at U of M. The road to recovery was rocky, filled with radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and fear. The doctors actually took out my dad’s esophagus and built him a new one out of the top of his stomach. So wild to think about. He lost a lot of weight and couldn’t eat normal food for a while, since the surgery is similar to gastric bypass. He had to spend so much time in the hospital. But, his cancer was cured and my whole family feels very lucky.

During the summer of 2017, I took a risk and started performing at some open mic nights. It was scary, but super fun. I put on my stage outfits and sang some of my favorite covers. People were super supportive and nice and I felt very welcome. I realized I could be myself on stage and express myself in a new way.

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Then came Halloween, my mom’s birthday. She didn’t look good and wasn’t acting right when we were passing out candy to the trick or treaters, but she pushed through. I found out the next morning that she was in the hospital with major heart issues. She had a 99% blockage in the main artery to her heart plus blockages in her other arteries and could have died. She had called an ambulance after I left that night because she just didn’t feel right. Thank God she did. She had to have surgery to clear the blockage and she quit smoking that night. Her recovery has also been difficult, but she went to cardiac rehab, is on new medications and she’s back to work. Again, I’m just so happy she’s alive. I don’t know what I would do without her. She had to have foot surgery this past May and that has also been a slow recovery because Achilles tendons are a bitch. I’m so sick of hospitals and I hope I don’t have to go to another one anytime soon.

All of this stress took a toll on me. I thought I was having heart problems, so I got checked out at the doctor and all was fine. It was anxiety. I realized I needed to talk to someone. I hadn’t been in therapy since I was 15, so I was super nervous but it’s been super helpful and I enjoy it. I also started taking anti-anxiety and blood pressure meds. I never wanted to be on psychotropic meds, but I just couldn’t manage my anxiety anymore and it was seriously affecting my job and personal life. At the beginning of 2018, I got a new job and my first real boyfriend. Lots of change. I’m now a Data Support Specialist at the same agency, so I work with data, build dashboards, manage databases and all that geeky stuff. I’ve learned so much and my job even paid for me to take a community college class! Super awesome. However, the job is stressful and I have to work harder than I ever have before, including taking work home and meeting strict deadlines. The pros definitely outweigh the cons, though. Unfortunately, me and my boyfriend broke up in May. It devastated me. I still love him, but he wasn’t healthy for me. He didn’t make time for me, he wasn’t very nice to me and he even said he didn’t love me. There were good times, too, but the bad was really bad. My heart was broken because I loved him more than anything and I tried everything to make it work. I haven’t seen him since the breakup and it’s been really hard. But, I deserve better.

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THOT. I took a vacation.

I’ve been doing a little online dating and no offense, but I haven’t met a normal person yet. By normal I mean someone who doesn’t lie, just want sex or ghost me. My favorite was the guy I discovered was a former Catfish that appeared on the TV show. Nice. Needless to say, I’ve taken an indefinite break from online dating. I stopped writing for Carpe Nocturne around the summer of last year. It was a big time commitment and I didn’t feel the appreciation or respect from the magazine anymore. I also saw the quality go down. It appears the magazine has shut down now, which is super sad. I had a lot of fun writing for CN and made new friends and connections. I mean, I got to interview Kerli and Lindsey Stirling! I’ve been thinking of writing for another publication, but I just don’t have a lot of time or motivation.

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Concert lewk. 

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I saw Amelia Arsenic from Angelspit perform live. Epic!

Currently, I’m trying to get back to making music and writing more. This is my first step in that direction. It feels good to get everything off my chest. Life is hard and I definitely don’t have my shit together. I’m just doing the best I can and trying my best to be happy. I hope to write a lot more often here. I hope to see my blog friends return as well. 😉 Now I need to sleep. I’m getting old. I can’t stay up late like I used to. lol

Change

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I hate feeling complacent and stuck in a rut. Lately I have been craving change. I’m bored with my daily routine. I see the same people and do the same things day after day. There are no surprises. I have decided that the boredom needs to change. I figured I would think about some changes I want to make and write them down. That way they won’t be forgotten.

Change #1: Acquire better eating habits/start an exercise routine

I’m not thrilled about my weight right now. I’ve just been eating whatever I want with no moderation. I also don’t eat enough food a lot of the time (usually one meal a day). My body has taken notice and I’ve gained some weight. I just don’t feel healthy. I have completely stopped exercising, too. I have noticed a loss of energy from my inactivity. I felt great when I was working out and now I just feel crappy.

I want to start monitoring what I’m eating. I definitely need to cut out the processed foods. I want to try and eat three meals a day as well. It will be hard for me because of my vampire sleep schedule, but I think it’s important. I’ve got to become more active, too. It’s time to bust out the workout DVDs! I’m going to devote a half hour a day to exercise. No more laziness.

Change #2: Make more music

I love to sing and program beats. I just get lost in the process and dive into another world. I haven’t been making much music lately, though. I got busy with work, school, and this blog, so my music just sort of fell to the side. I was really into making music for awhile, but then I gave up. It wasn’t sounding perfect and I was getting frustrated. Perfectionism is one of my best AND worst qualities.

I really want to start singing again. It is so freeing to express oneself through such a creative medium as music. While I love blogging and don’t see it stopping anytime soon, I have to remember that my first love is music. I really want to get my stuff out there and become a better musician. I’m still going to do song covers, but my own creations are going to be the focus now. And they don’t have to be perfect (but damn close!). 😉

Change #3: Meet new people

I’m very socially awkward and I have a hard time connecting with people. I tend to stay home a lot and work on various projects rather than socialize with friends. I’m just so cool like that. haha It’s like a comfort zone in which I don’t have to deal with the world.

I want to go out more and visit places I have never been before. I plan on challenging myself to enter into social situations that I would normally avoid. I’m sure there are awesome people to meet out in the world. I’m open to new relationships and energies. I may feel uncomfortable putting myself out there, but change isn’t supposed to be easy.

Hopefully I am motivated to take action now. I’m happy with my life, but change is a necessary component of happiness. I never want to remain stagnant. I’d rather do exciting new things everyday. Life should be unpredictable. 🙂