Happy Holidays!

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Happy holidays everyone! I hope you’re all having great times with friends and family. I had a wonderful Christmas and I am thoroughly enjoying a nice long break from work. To celebrate the festive season, I wanted to record a Christmas cover this year. I was researching which song I wanted to cover and came across an Erasure classic called “She Won’t Be Home”. I’d never heard the song before, but instantly become entranced by the melancholy lyrics and synthy goodness. Plus, I adore Erasure, so it was a no brainer to take this on. The recording process was quite interesting. First, I wanted to finish it before Christmas. That didn’t happen. When I finally went to start recording vocals, I noticed that my computer wasn’t recognizing my professional microphone. I did some research and found out that the Windows 10 update could be the culprit. Whatever I tried, I couldn’t get the mic to work and ended up accidentally breaking it. Hooray! Granted, the mic was probably five years old, but I loved it and that sucks. So, I was forced to record my vocals trashy style on my camera. Please excuse the imperfect quality. Also, my vocals fall behind the music at the end. It’s annoying and editing was a bitch. Anyways, I hope you guys like it. At least I look cute, right? lol

I just got my hair done as well. I’m dyeing it colors according to holidays (I got the idea from LeahMouse on YouTube), so I picked pink for Valentine’s Day. I’m bringing the Gothic My Little Pony look back! I seriously love the color. I thought the makeup I paired with the new hair was pretty, too.

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My family is doing really well and I’m taking a voluntary demotion at work to decrease my stress levels in the new year. 2016 was truly an insane year and I learned a lot about myself and the quality of life I want. I’m exploring career options outside of my field of study and freelance writing gigs that pay since I’m taking a pay cut along with my demotion. I realize that I’m at a dead end in my current job and I’m ready for something new. I was offered a supervisory position, but I really have no desire to supervise people. I’ve found that people just don’t work as hard as me or care as much as I do and it really bothers me, so I don’t need the headache. I’m going to be a bit selfish and look out for myself first and foremost in 2017.

Last month, I met one of my favorite music artists of all time, Jennifer Parkin from the group Ayria! Her show was phenomenal and I danced and sang my ass off to all of my favorite songs. We shared a heart to heart after the show. I told her what an inspiration she was to me and how her music got me through some tough times. My teenage years were a trip, let me tell you! She encouraged me to keep working toward my dream of becoming an artist like her. Jennifer was super sweet and I’ll always treasure this night.

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Me and Jennifer! Ignore the fact that I look like a sweaty puffy coke whore. 😛

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Baddie alert! Me and my bestie Ali.

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The Cybergoth concert look. Jennifer loved my sparkly jewelry.

My family adopted a couple of families in need for Christmas this year. It was so much fun to shop for the kids and it’s one of my favorite things to do for the holidays. I enjoy giving gifts so much more than receiving them. I did get some really awesome gifts as well. A new bookcase for my office, an electric fireplace to fix the drafty back room of my house and my Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie that I wore in my Christmas cover video. My sister knows me too well! I got my technologically challenged dad a tablet and he hasn’t put it down since Christmas. haha

I always have some new music artist discoveries to share. I seem to have fallen back into a Swedish Pop obsession and I kinda love it. The Swedes just do Pop best, I’m sorry! Dolly Style is a sickeningly sweet trio with influences from Japanese cultures like Lolita and Fairy Kei. Their names are Molly, Holly and Polly and I can’t get their songs or fashion out of my head. One of them (Polly with the purple hair) even looks like a BubbleGoth doll. I can’t!

I’m really addicted to Swedish Idol contestant Charlie Grönvall. I think I stumbled upon one of his videos after a Dolly Style video. I’m sort of superficial and when I saw his emo glam look complete with painted nails, black fringe and eyeliner I melted. He totally reminds me of Adam Lambert. I guess his grandfather is a member of the legendary Swedish group ABBA and his parents are both famous singers as well. Now, it usually bothers me when people with famous family members come on competition shows because I question their motives. That’s not the case with Charlie. He comes off as super genuine and you can feel his love for music. He’s been in a couple of other bands over the years (Bracelet and Little Great Things) and the music is really great. Sadly, he came in third place in the competition, but I’m sure he’ll have a successful career. I’m already planning a trip to Sweden to abduct him.

I hope everyone is pumped for 2017! It has to be a better year than 2016, right!? I’ve watched so many bloggers give up on their blogs during my five years on WordPress and it’s really sad. Some have disappeared and we’ve completely lost touch. I don’t want to be one of those people. Blogs might be a dying art form with attention spans diminishing and instant gratification on the rise, but sharing my life in writing is so therapeutic to me. I love to read about other people’s adventures and challenges as well. Never give up!

I’m excited to create more music, continue writing for Carpe Nocturne, make some career moves, and share it all with you! This is just the beginning.

Much love,

~Asylum Attendant

An Explanation

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I don’t really know what to say. I can’t believe how much time has passed since my last post. I took a break from blogging for personal reasons and it seems I left for good. I can’t even really say that I’m back for good either. But, I feel like I owe my friends an explanation for my absence. So, I decided to record the video above. The video is raw and very real. I’ve missed my fellow bloggers so much and I haven’t forgotten about any of you. Sometimes I go into a cocoon to protect myself and recharge when horrible, stressful things happen. That may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s how I survive. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with all of you, the people I know truly understand me. I feel much better breaking the silence, even if that makes me vulnerable. I hope my honesty makes up for my absence.

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I made a Steampunk top hat in the Spring…super proud of it!

Things aren’t all doom and gloom, though. I wanted to record a fun, spooky video for you guys as well. Last year, Samm Sanity nominated me for the Halloween Tag and I never got around to doing it. Well, I finally did! Watch my struggle with fake nails and sassy mouth below. lol

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Don’t forget that orange and black hurr for Halloween, gurl.

I have so many exciting things to share with you all. Just know that I’m always here, whether I post or not. You guys have helped to make this my home and I’ll never forget that. I’ll leave you with an acapella video of me singing a song for a competition I auditioned for over the summer. I didn’t make it into the competition, but I’m just proud of myself for having the balls to audition. And I think I’ll take another crack at this song soon. 😉 Voice lessons are so much fun and have really improved my confidence and vocal range!  Happy Halloween!!!

 

The Hermit

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The Hermit

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Wrapped in a cocoon of isolation

Misery is the ideal vacation.

Locked in a vault of fantasy

Living out a deranged destiny.

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Blame is perpetually deflected

While responsibility is constantly rejected.

Apologies don’t exist in the bunker

Where distorted memories are the anchor.

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Adoration quickly morphs into contempt

Not a soul is exempt.

Safety is not guaranteed within the queendom

Banishment is a welcome freedom.

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Pleasure is derived from suffering

Smiles are reduced to nothing.

The trigger is always a conundrum

Followed by a terrifying tantrum.

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Decisions must be rash

Contemplation belongs in the trash.

Weakness is not an option

And rejection is a deadly toxin.

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A constant demand for affection

Reflects a yearning for connection.

Vulnerabilities are given to vultures

Who turn innocents into lifeless sculptures.

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A loving personality is hidden

Behind the steel bars of a prison.

Wallowing in a false escape

Will leave a permanent scrape.

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Rectification is still possible,

Though trust is not probable.

No matter how hard you pull away

There is another open doorway.

2016

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New year, new perspective. Yes, I’m here. I’ve decided to stick around here on WordPress. Thank you all for your supportive words on my last post. I don’t know why I’m so fatalistic sometimes. I hate letting fear take over, but I’m trying to overcome it. I’m striving to accept my quirks and let my freak flag fly high. I have a strong feeling that this will be a very pivotal year for me.

I’m days away from moving into my very own home. I’ll share tons of photos and details in another post. I’m so thrilled! Broke as a joke, but beyond happy. I’m also about to begin another new job. Don’t worry, it’s with the same company. I actually accepted the promotion about three months ago and my new job duties will finally be starting on Monday. I got about a $3.o0 an hour raise, which started a while back. I’ll be the Administrative Support Coordinator. Fancy.

I’ve also decided that 2016 needs some structure and a lot more creativity. My plan is to laser focus on making music. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve put off my dream for far too long. I’m going to release a new song cover with an accompanying music video every month this year. Feel free to hold me to this. I need to get in the habit of recording and honing my craft on a regular basis. That’s the only way I’ll become better at making music. I’m very particular with everything I do. I spend a lot of time picking the perfect instrumental track, recording and editing vocals, filming a video and editing that…I don’t play around. Dare I attempt to compose an original song? You’ll have to wait and see. 😉

I would also like to post weekly on this blog. Write for enjoyment. Eat healthier. Actually have a workout routine. Meet new people. Go on dates. Learn how to apply makeup. Have my first professional photo shoot. Perform live. And be happy. That’s the basis for everything else.

Happy New Year everyone! Carly Rae Jepsen invades my soul, I swear.

The End?

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My secret’s out. This blog has been discovered by someone I never wanted to see it. As such, I don’t feel like this is a safe place anymore. I was going to share all of myself when I was ready. That choice was taken away from me. I now feel like I can’t be myself here. So, what’s the point in staying? This blog was created specifically to share the parts of myself that I was too afraid to show in real life. Now, there’s no mystery. The things I’ve shared here will probably be used to hurt me at a later time. I feel like Asylum Attendant is dead. I don’t even want to use the name anymore. There’s no more magic. The asylum has been torn down.

I don’t know what the future looks like. I’ve made some great friends in my (roughly) four years blogging here. I really started expressing myself and gained confidence in my writing abilities. I believe in myself now and other people do, too. When I was at my worst and felt like I had nothing, I had this blog and nice people sending me encouragement and support. I’m not sure why anyone has stuck around through my sporadic and depressing posts. I don’t deserve all of your kindness. I’m flakey, indecisive and a procrastinator. And still, my readers stick around. Thank you so much for that. I’ll never stop writing because, quite literally, I would die. I just might take on a different identity. Constantly changing, that’s me. I’ll let you all know once I figure out my next step. I hope you’ll all follow me down the next rabbit hole.

 

School Bullies

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Firstly, I’d like to thank you all for your support on my last post. It means the world to me to know that people care. I did get a new job and will be starting soon as a receptionist at a mental health clinic. It’s actually a job I left a long time ago, but I really enjoyed it and I am excited to go back. Hooray!

On to the purpose of this post: bullies. We’ve all been bullied before. And I’m sure we’ve all bullied someone at one time as well. I sure have and I’m not proud of it. When I was in public school, I was bullied pretty severely. I was a feminine boy…you can guess what they called me. Lately, I’ve been having upsetting flashbacks about it and this concerns me. I feel like talking about it could help. I’m embarrassed, though. I haven’t told a lot of this stuff to anyone. I have to keep in mind that I was still a child through all of this and handled things the best way I could. Perhaps it will give you guys a better idea of why I am the way I am:

2nd Grade – The bullying began early. I think I was seven when my classmates found a Barbie hairbrush in my pencil box. I immediately lied and said it belonged to my little sister. They knew it was mine. The whole classroom was abuzz with laughter. The kids even told the teacher. I realized then that I could never be myself if I wanted to be accepted. The bullying would continue for another decade.

5th Grade – It was time to choose a musical instrument to play and I longed to play the flute. I knew it was wrong for a boy, but I wanted to play it so bad. The band instructor told my parents that it wasn’t appropriate for me to play such a feminine instrument. She was clearly a masculine woman, so I’m not quite sure how she was an expert on gender roles and femininity. So, feeling pressured, I chose the trumpet instead. I hated it. I still want to buy myself a flute and learn to play it one day.

6th Grade – This might have been the worst year of my time in school. I remember feeling really alone and sad. My friends from elementary school had turned on me. When they weren’t ignoring me they were turning my peers against me. I remember one day I just wasn’t allowed to sit at their lunch table anymore for no reason. I still would like to know why this was the case.

7th Grade – I dressed up as Leonardo da Vinci for an English project. I thought he was cool. A group of boys in class said he was gay and insinuated I must be gay for doing my project on him. There was also this fat male bully that harassed me everyday. The teacher actually told my parents about it (shocker as we will see shortly), but nothing was done to stop it. He was really ugly, really mean and stole all of my pretty pens that he said were “fairy colors”. I think he called me by my last name, too. I didn’t like that.

8th Grade – This year I started to be physically abused by a girl at school. She would constantly pinch the underside of my upper arm during class. It hurt so bad. I had big bruises up and down my arm. I tried to hide them, but my mom saw them one day and freaked out. She went to the principal and I had to show them my arm. I was so embarrassed and sad. The girl was suspended. I didn’t want her to get in trouble. I don’t know why. After that, the girl constantly asked if my arm was alright. Cunt. In the same male teacher’s class (he should have been fired), a group of boys drew penises all over my textbook. I told the teacher and he just laughed at me. He had an IQ of about 12. I never asked for help from a teacher again.

9th Grade – My worst memory from school comes from this year, my first year of high school. It’s why I don’t trust people. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my lunch with friends when a male bully tried to forcefully take the chair I was sitting in. He literally tried to pull it out from underneath me. I wrestled it back from him and slapped him in the arm. In hindsight, I wish I would have punched him in the face, but that’s just not the kind of person I was. I was very docile. After the slap, the entire cafeteria erupted in laughter, including all of the people I thought were my friends who were sitting at my table. I guess a slap was too gay of a response. No one defended me or asked if I was okay. I had been close friends with these people for many years. It was the ultimate betrayal. I was utterly mortified and beyond angry. I stormed off and didn’t return. Again, no one came to find me. Great friends. A half an hour later, when one of them actually came to me, she just wanted her books out of my locker that she insisted on sharing. No compassion. No empathy. I should’ve ripped her books apart and spit on them. I regret being too nice, that’s for sure. Another so-called friend from the table came up to my locker and I kicked her as hard as I could in the leg. I’m not proud of that and it wasn’t right. But, it felt awesome. I don’t speak to any of these people anymore and I should’ve stopped right after this event. None of them ever apologized. I don’t think I can ever forgive any of them. It’s a horrible day to recall.

Throughout high school – My band teacher used to mock the way that I spoke. Male teachers harassed me for no reason. I guess they thought they could muscle the gay out of me. One guy in particular who claimed to be a friend was actually the worst bully of all to me. The bullying began in middle school and through most of high school. He made it his goal to make me feel as bad as possible. Turned tons of people against me. And now he’s gay. Hope that’s working out well for him.

12th Grade – On the first day of school, a guy announced to my science class that I loved to make out with tons of guys. Everyone laughed. Again, the teacher did nothing. That utterly disgusts me. Not only do they not teach, they can’t even protect the kids in their care. This bully was scary. Like soulless. I remember him saying all gay people should be killed. I spent lunch periods in the bathroom because I had no friends to sit with. I was so over school. There was actually a hilarious rumor going around that I lived with an older man who bought me stuff. I wish! The guy who started the rumor saw my dad picking me up from school and based the rumor on that. I have to laugh at that. lol

Those are the events that most stick out in my mind. There were millions more, but I honestly think I’ve blocked them from recall. I just needed to get this off my chest. I cried while remembering the really bad stuff. I hope the flashbacks will stop now. I never realized how much bullying affected me until recently. And I wasn’t perfect. I made fun of kids, too, but never to the level that I received. No one deserves what I went through.

Let me know what you guys think. Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it? I feel silly bringing all of this up. Oh well, I feel better. 🙂

 

~Asylum

Mostly Good and Slightly Bad News

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I disappeared for a bit. I wanted to blog, but I was in a nasty fog of depression. I feel better now. Not awesome, but I’m okay. I also seem to only be able to focus on one thing at a time in my life. I accept that I’ll always kind of be a mess.

Now, I have some awesome, exciting news…and some bad news to share. Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. About three weeks ago, I walked out of my full-time job and never went back. A lot led up to this decision and I never could have imagined what happened. I’m sure I’ve mentioned how unhappy I was at my job. I never wanted it in the first place. I paid my dues in order to transfer within the agency after 6 months. It was hell, but I made it. I applied to 4 internal jobs and never even got an interview, however. That was odd, since my entire team had nothing but positive things to say about me. And then shit really got bad. Half our team got laid off at the end of September (which was really shitty and upsetting) and I absorbed all the duties of the other administrative assistant. This included attending meetings in the most dangerous part of the county for the sole purpose of taking notes. Wow, I feel so valued. I was pissed and called off sick a day and a half to avoid these meetings. As payback, my direct supervisor (who works at another agency…weird, I know) sent me to represent our team at a meeting I’d never heard of or been to before in another dangerous area. The war was on. I planned on going to the meeting, but I told my agency supervisor (who never helped me or did anything but sign my timesheet, if that) that I’d had enough and needed to meet with her. She set a meeting with me a little before the time I was supposed to attend the payback meeting. I told my direct supervisor I might not be able to make it to the payback meeting on time as I had a meeting with my other supervisor to attend because I was feeling overwhelmed and so my demise began. It got really ugly.

So, I attend the payback meeting in Detroit and then go to the county to work on a special project I supposedly couldn’t work on at my actual work site. Really, it was just a ploy to piss me off further because everyone knew I hated going down there. I go to the 8th floor and enter my supervisor’s office. I ask her for the project she wanted me to work on. She proceeds to ask me if I want to meet with her and her supervisor to discuss my feelings about my additional job duties. I say no. She keeps pushing the question in her fake, smug way. I tell her I don’t care if I lose this job and that a meeting won’t make a difference. Wrong thing to say.

My direct supervisor called my agency supervisor and told her what I said. An investigation was conducted and I was grilled by my agency supervisor over what I said. Two weeks later, at a meeting between all three of us that was supposed to address my concerns, I was presented with a write up. It literally shocked me. I was reprimanded solely to prevent me from transferring within the agency. That’s how vindictive these people are. They knew from the beginning I wanted to do something else and this was their way of keeping me. I lost it. Through tears, I gave my two week notice of resignation. Of course, they begged me to stay.  They’re lucky I didn’t tell them to suck my dick. Actually, if my mom hadn’t been employed by the same agency for 27 years, I would have.

The following Monday, I knew I had to leave without giving two weeks notice. I couldn’t even speak to these people after what they did to me. I quietly packed up my cube. No one passing by said a word, like that was new. I picked up my box of belongings and left. That was it. I was unemployed. There’s so much more to the story, but I won’t bore anyone with that novel.

I’ve been desperately applying to jobs ever since. I’ve only received one call for an interview, but I’m not sure about the position. I would be working with clients again, but there are cons, too. It’s a very stressful time. It’s also really nice to have some time off. Sleeping in has been lovely. Hopefully I land something good soon.

On to the awesome news: I am now a music writer for the alternative magazine Carpe Nocturne!!! Wow! I wrote two articles on artists Miss FD and Too Dead To Die for the Winter Issue that will come out in January. I couldn’t be more excited. Michael Jack, the music editor at Carpe Nocturne and fellow dark music blogger and friend here on WordPress, graciously offered to have me on board and I jumped at the opportunity. I think of it as taking my writing to the next level. There are even more ridiculously exciting things to come for the Spring Issue, but I won’t get Reckless and share the hot Gossip yet. 😉

I got the chance to talk with Miss FD and Too Dead To Die and they are seriously so sweet and appreciative. I had never heard of GothPop Princess Miss FD before writing about her for the magazine and I’m a huge fan now. She’s so versatile and crafts very meaningful lyrics. Love her dark visuals as well.

Too Dead To Die finally released the music video for “Another Sin” and it’s sexy and controversial.

I think that’s all the news I have for now. My next post will be more entertaining I hope. Love you guys!

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