Guess Who’s Back?

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This is weird. I haven’t blogged in a solid year and a half. I haven’t really done any writing in about a year. There’s so much to share and yet I wonder if I should. My therapist tasked me with writing something before our next session. Here goes nothing…

When I left off here, I had taken a voluntary demotion at work and I was in a good space. I was still writing for Carpe Nocturne and nothing too crazy was going on. Well, 2017 ended up being crazier than I ever imagined it could be. In April of 2017, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Talk about scary, bad news. The cancer was Stage 2 and hadn’t spread, so the doctors were confident that they could cure it and that my dad would make a full recovery. They were right. My dad is happy and healthy today thanks to the wonderful medical staff at U of M. The road to recovery was rocky, filled with radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and fear. The doctors actually took out my dad’s esophagus and built him a new one out of the top of his stomach. So wild to think about. He lost a lot of weight and couldn’t eat normal food for a while, since the surgery is similar to gastric bypass. He had to spend so much time in the hospital. But, his cancer was cured and my whole family feels very lucky.

During the summer of 2017, I took a risk and started performing at some open mic nights. It was scary, but super fun. I put on my stage outfits and sang some of my favorite covers. People were super supportive and nice and I felt very welcome. I realized I could be myself on stage and express myself in a new way.

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Then came Halloween, my mom’s birthday. She didn’t look good and wasn’t acting right when we were passing out candy to the trick or treaters, but she pushed through. I found out the next morning that she was in the hospital with major heart issues. She had a 99% blockage in the main artery to her heart plus blockages in her other arteries and could have died. She had called an ambulance after I left that night because she just didn’t feel right. Thank God she did. She had to have surgery to clear the blockage and she quit smoking that night. Her recovery has also been difficult, but she went to cardiac rehab, is on new medications and she’s back to work. Again, I’m just so happy she’s alive. I don’t know what I would do without her. She had to have foot surgery this past May and that has also been a slow recovery because Achilles tendons are a bitch. I’m so sick of hospitals and I hope I don’t have to go to another one anytime soon.

All of this stress took a toll on me. I thought I was having heart problems, so I got checked out at the doctor and all was fine. It was anxiety. I realized I needed to talk to someone. I hadn’t been in therapy since I was 15, so I was super nervous but it’s been super helpful and I enjoy it. I also started taking anti-anxiety and blood pressure meds. I never wanted to be on psychotropic meds, but I just couldn’t manage my anxiety anymore and it was seriously affecting my job and personal life. At the beginning of 2018, I got a new job and my first real boyfriend. Lots of change. I’m now a Data Support Specialist at the same agency, so I work with data, build dashboards, manage databases and all that geeky stuff. I’ve learned so much and my job even paid for me to take a community college class! Super awesome. However, the job is stressful and I have to work harder than I ever have before, including taking work home and meeting strict deadlines. The pros definitely outweigh the cons, though. Unfortunately, me and my boyfriend broke up in May. It devastated me. I still love him, but he wasn’t healthy for me. He didn’t make time for me, he wasn’t very nice to me and he even said he didn’t love me. There were good times, too, but the bad was really bad. My heart was broken because I loved him more than anything and I tried everything to make it work. I haven’t seen him since the breakup and it’s been really hard. But, I deserve better.

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THOT. I took a vacation.

I’ve been doing a little online dating and no offense, but I haven’t met a normal person yet. By normal I mean someone who doesn’t lie, just want sex or ghost me. My favorite was the guy I discovered was a former Catfish that appeared on the TV show. Nice. Needless to say, I’ve taken an indefinite break from online dating. I stopped writing for Carpe Nocturne around the summer of last year. It was a big time commitment and I didn’t feel the appreciation or respect from the magazine anymore. I also saw the quality go down. It appears the magazine has shut down now, which is super sad. I had a lot of fun writing for CN and made new friends and connections. I mean, I got to interview Kerli and Lindsey Stirling! I’ve been thinking of writing for another publication, but I just don’t have a lot of time or motivation.

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Concert lewk. 

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I saw Amelia Arsenic from Angelspit perform live. Epic!

Currently, I’m trying to get back to making music and writing more. This is my first step in that direction. It feels good to get everything off my chest. Life is hard and I definitely don’t have my shit together. I’m just doing the best I can and trying my best to be happy. I hope to write a lot more often here. I hope to see my blog friends return as well. ūüėČ Now I need to sleep. I’m getting old. I can’t stay up late like I used to. lol

Happy Holidays!

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Happy holidays everyone! I hope you’re all having great times with friends and family. I had a wonderful Christmas and I am thoroughly enjoying a nice long¬†break from work. To celebrate the festive season, I wanted to record a Christmas cover this year. I was researching which song I wanted to cover and came across an Erasure classic called “She Won’t Be Home”. I’d never heard the song before, but instantly become entranced by the melancholy lyrics and synthy goodness. Plus, I adore Erasure, so it was a no brainer to take this on. The recording process was quite interesting. First, I wanted to finish it before Christmas. That didn’t happen. When I finally went to start recording vocals, I noticed that my computer wasn’t recognizing my professional¬†microphone. I did some research and found out that the Windows 10 update could be the culprit. Whatever I tried, I couldn’t get the mic to work and ended up accidentally breaking it. Hooray! Granted, the mic was probably five years old, but I loved it and that sucks. So, I was forced to record my vocals trashy style on my camera. Please excuse the imperfect quality. Also, my vocals fall behind the music at the end. It’s annoying and editing was a bitch.¬†Anyways, I hope you guys like it. At least I look cute, right? lol

I just got my hair done as well. I’m dyeing it colors according to holidays (I got the idea from LeahMouse on YouTube), so I picked pink for Valentine’s Day. I’m bringing the Gothic My Little Pony look¬†back! I seriously love the color. I thought the makeup I paired with the new hair was pretty, too.

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My family is doing really well and I’m taking a voluntary¬†demotion at work to decrease my stress levels in the new year. 2016 was truly an insane year and I learned a lot about myself and the quality of life I want. I’m exploring career options outside of my field of study and freelance writing gigs that pay since I’m taking a pay cut along with my demotion. I realize that I’m at a dead end in my current job and I’m ready for something new. I was offered a supervisory position, but I really have no desire to supervise people. I’ve found that people just don’t work as hard as me or care as much as I do and it really bothers me, so I don’t need the headache. I’m going to be a bit selfish and look out for myself first and foremost in 2017.

Last month, I met one of my favorite music artists of all time, Jennifer Parkin¬†from the group¬†Ayria!¬†Her show was phenomenal and I danced and sang my ass off to all of my favorite songs. We shared a heart to heart after the show. I told her what an inspiration she was to me and how her music got me through some tough times.¬†My teenage years were a trip, let me tell you! She encouraged me to¬†keep working toward my dream of becoming an artist like her. Jennifer was super sweet and I’ll always treasure this night.

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Me and Jennifer! Ignore the fact that I look like a sweaty puffy coke whore. ūüėõ

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Baddie alert! Me and my bestie Ali.

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The Cybergoth concert look. Jennifer loved my sparkly jewelry.

My family adopted a couple of families in need¬†for Christmas this year. It was so much fun to shop for the kids and it’s one of my favorite things to do for the holidays. I enjoy giving gifts so much more than receiving them.¬†I¬†did get¬†some really awesome gifts as well. A new bookcase for my office, an electric fireplace to fix the drafty back room of¬†my house and my Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie that I wore in my Christmas cover video. My sister knows me too well! I got my technologically challenged dad a tablet and he hasn’t put it down since Christmas. haha

I always have some new music artist discoveries to share. I seem to have fallen back into a Swedish Pop obsession and I kinda love it. The Swedes just do Pop best, I’m sorry! Dolly Style is a sickeningly sweet trio with influences from Japanese cultures like Lolita and Fairy Kei. Their names are Molly, Holly and Polly and I can’t get their songs or fashion¬†out of my head. One of them (Polly with the purple hair)¬†even looks like a BubbleGoth doll. I can’t!

I’m really addicted to Swedish Idol contestant Charlie Gr√∂nvall. I think I stumbled upon one of his videos after a Dolly Style video. I’m sort of superficial and when I saw his emo glam look complete with painted nails, black fringe and eyeliner I melted. He totally reminds me of Adam Lambert. I guess his grandfather is a member of the¬†legendary Swedish group ABBA and his parents are both famous singers as well. Now, it usually bothers me when people with famous family members come on competition shows because I question their motives. That’s not the case with Charlie. He comes off as super genuine and you can feel his love for music. He’s been in a couple of other bands over the years (Bracelet and Little Great Things) and the music is really great. Sadly, he came in third place in the competition, but I’m sure he’ll have a successful career. I’m already planning a trip to Sweden to abduct him.

I hope everyone is pumped for 2017! It has to be a better year than 2016, right!? I’ve watched so many bloggers give up on their blogs during my five years on WordPress and it’s really sad. Some have disappeared and we’ve completely lost touch. I don’t want to be one of those people. Blogs might be a dying art form with attention spans diminishing and instant gratification on the rise, but sharing my life in writing is so therapeutic to me. I love to read about other people’s adventures and challenges as well. Never give up!

I’m excited to¬†create more music, continue writing for Carpe Nocturne, make some career moves, and share it all with you! This is just the beginning.

Much love,

~Asylum Attendant

An Explanation

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I don’t really know what to say. I can’t believe how much time has passed since my last post. I took a break from blogging for personal reasons and it seems I left for good. I can’t even really say that I’m back for good either. But, I feel like I owe my friends an explanation for my absence. So, I decided to record the video above. The video is raw and very real. I’ve missed my fellow bloggers so much and I haven’t forgotten about any of you. Sometimes I go into a cocoon to protect myself and recharge when horrible, stressful things happen. That may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s how I survive. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with all of you, the people I¬†know truly understand me. I feel¬†much better breaking the silence, even if that makes me vulnerable. I hope my honesty makes up for my absence.

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I made a Steampunk top hat in the Spring…super proud of it!

Things aren’t all doom and gloom, though. I wanted to record a fun, spooky video for you guys as well. Last year, Samm Sanity nominated me for the Halloween Tag and I never got around to doing it. Well, I finally did! Watch my struggle with fake nails and sassy mouth below. lol

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Don’t forget that orange and black hurr for Halloween, gurl.

I have so many exciting things to share with you all. Just know that I’m always here, whether I post or not. You guys have helped to make this my home and I’ll never forget that. I’ll leave you with an acapella video of me singing a song for a competition I auditioned for over the summer. I didn’t make it into the competition, but I’m just proud of myself for having the balls to audition. And I think I’ll take another crack at this song soon. ūüėČ Voice lessons are so much fun and have really improved my confidence and vocal range! ¬†Happy Halloween!!!

 

The Hermit

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The Hermit

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Wrapped in a cocoon of isolation

Misery is the ideal vacation.

Locked in a vault of fantasy

Living out a deranged destiny.

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Blame is perpetually deflected

While responsibility is constantly rejected.

Apologies don’t exist in the bunker

Where distorted memories are the anchor.

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Adoration quickly morphs into contempt

Not a soul is exempt.

Safety is not guaranteed within the queendom

Banishment is a welcome freedom.

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Pleasure is derived from suffering

Smiles are reduced to nothing.

The trigger is always a conundrum

Followed by a terrifying tantrum.

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Decisions must be rash

Contemplation belongs in the trash.

Weakness is not an option

And rejection is a deadly toxin.

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A constant demand for affection

Reflects a yearning for connection.

Vulnerabilities are given to vultures

Who turn innocents into lifeless sculptures.

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A loving personality is hidden

Behind the steel bars of a prison.

Wallowing in a false escape

Will leave a permanent scrape.

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Rectification is still possible,

Though trust is not probable.

No matter how hard you pull away

There is another open doorway.

2016

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New year, new perspective. Yes, I’m here.¬†I’ve decided to stick around here on WordPress. Thank you all for your supportive words on my last post. I don’t know why I’m so fatalistic sometimes. I hate letting fear take over, but I’m trying to overcome it. I’m striving to accept my quirks and let my freak flag¬†fly high.¬†I have a strong feeling that this will be a very pivotal year for me.

I’m days away¬†from moving into my very own home. I’ll share tons of photos and details in another post. I’m so thrilled!¬†Broke as a joke, but beyond happy. I’m also about to begin another new job. Don’t worry, it’s with the same company. I actually accepted the promotion about three months ago and my new job duties will finally be starting on Monday. I got about a $3.o0 an hour raise, which started a while back. I’ll be the Administrative Support Coordinator. Fancy.

I’ve also decided that 2016 needs some structure and a lot more creativity. My plan is to laser focus on making music. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve put off my dream for far too long. I’m going to release a new song cover¬†with an accompanying music video every month this year. Feel free to hold me to this. I need to get in the habit of recording and honing my craft on a regular basis. That’s the only way I’ll become better at making music. I’m very particular with¬†everything I¬†do. I spend a lot of time picking the perfect instrumental track, recording and editing vocals, filming a video and editing that…I don’t play around. Dare I attempt to compose an original song? You’ll have to wait and see. ūüėČ

I would also like to post weekly on this blog. Write for enjoyment.¬†Eat healthier. Actually have a workout routine. Meet new people. Go on dates. Learn how to apply makeup. Have my first professional photo shoot. Perform live. And be happy. That’s the basis for everything else.

Happy New Year everyone! Carly Rae Jepsen invades my soul, I swear.

The End?

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My secret’s out. This blog has been discovered by someone I never wanted to see it. As such, I don’t feel like this is a safe place anymore. I was going to share all of myself when I was ready. That choice¬†was taken away from me. I now feel like I can’t be myself here. So, what’s the point in staying? This blog was created specifically to share the parts of myself that I was too afraid to show in real life. Now, there’s no mystery. The things I’ve shared here will probably be used to hurt me at a later time. I feel like Asylum Attendant is dead. I don’t even want to use the name anymore. There’s no more magic. The asylum has been torn down.

I don’t know what the future looks like. I’ve made some great friends in my (roughly) four years blogging here. I really started expressing myself and gained confidence in my writing abilities. I believe in myself now¬†and other people do, too.¬†When I was at my worst and felt like I had nothing, I had this blog and nice people sending me encouragement and support. I’m not sure why anyone has stuck around through my sporadic¬†and depressing posts. I don’t deserve all of your kindness. I’m flakey, indecisive and a procrastinator. And still, my readers stick around. Thank you so much for¬†that. I’ll never stop writing because, quite literally, I would die. I just might take on a different identity. Constantly changing, that’s me. I’ll let you all know once I figure out my next step. I hope you’ll all follow me down the next rabbit hole.

 

School Bullies

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Firstly, I’d like to thank you all for your support on my last post. It means the world to me to know that people care. I did get a new job and will be starting soon as a receptionist at a mental health clinic. It’s actually a job I left a long time ago, but I really enjoyed it and I am excited to go back. Hooray!

On to the purpose of this post: bullies. We’ve all been bullied before. And I’m sure we’ve all bullied someone at one time as well. I sure have and I’m not proud of it. When I was in public school, I was bullied pretty severely. I was a feminine boy…you can guess what they called me. Lately, I’ve been having upsetting flashbacks about it and this concerns me. I feel like talking about it could help. I’m embarrassed, though. I haven’t told a lot of this stuff to anyone. I have to keep in mind that I was still a child through all of this¬†and handled things the best way I could. Perhaps it will give you guys a better idea of why I am the way I am:

2nd Grade РThe bullying began early. I think I was seven when my classmates found a Barbie hairbrush in my pencil box. I immediately lied and said it belonged to my little sister. They knew it was mine. The whole classroom was abuzz with laughter. The kids even told the teacher. I realized then that I could never be myself if I wanted to be accepted. The bullying would continue for another decade.

5th Grade – It was time to choose a musical instrument to play and I longed to play the flute. I knew it was wrong for a boy, but I wanted to play it so bad. The band instructor told my parents that it wasn’t appropriate for me to play such a feminine instrument. She was clearly a¬†masculine woman, so¬†I’m not quite sure how she was an expert on gender roles and femininity. So, feeling pressured,¬†I chose the trumpet instead. I hated it. I still want to buy myself a flute and learn to play it one day.

6th Grade – This might have been the worst year of my time in school. I remember feeling really alone and sad. My friends from elementary school had turned on me. When they weren’t ignoring me they were turning my peers against me. I remember one day I just wasn’t allowed to sit at their lunch¬†table anymore for no reason. I still would like to know why this was the case.

7th Grade – I dressed up as Leonardo da Vinci for an English project. I thought he was cool. A group of boys in class said he was gay and insinuated I must be gay for doing my project on him. There was also this fat male bully that harassed me everyday. The teacher actually told my parents about it (shocker as we will see shortly), but nothing was done to stop it. He was really ugly, really mean and stole all of my pretty pens that he said were “fairy colors”. I think he called me by my last name, too. I didn’t like that.

8th Grade – This year I started to be physically abused by a girl at school. She would constantly pinch the underside of my upper arm during class. It hurt so bad. I had big bruises up and down my arm. I tried to hide them, but my mom saw them one day and freaked out. She went to the principal and I had to show them my arm. I was so embarrassed and sad. The girl was suspended. I didn’t want her to get in trouble. I don’t know why. After that, the girl constantly asked if my arm was alright. Cunt. In the same male teacher’s class (he should have been fired), a group of boys drew penises all over my textbook. I told the teacher and he just laughed at me. He had an IQ of about 12. I never asked for help from a teacher again.

9th Grade – My worst memory from school comes from this year, my first year of high school. It’s why I don’t trust people. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my lunch with friends when a male bully tried to forcefully take the chair I was sitting in. He literally tried to pull it out from underneath me. I wrestled it back from him and slapped him in the arm. In hindsight, I wish I would have punched him in the face, but that’s just not the kind of person I was. I was very docile. After the slap, the entire cafeteria erupted in laughter, including all of the people I thought were my friends who were sitting at¬†my table. I guess a slap was too gay of a response. No one defended me or asked if I was okay. I had been close friends with these people for many years. It was the ultimate betrayal. I was utterly mortified and beyond angry. I stormed off and didn’t return. Again, no one came to find me. Great friends. A half an hour later, when one of them actually came to me, she just wanted her books out of my locker that she insisted on sharing. No compassion. No empathy. I should’ve ripped her books apart and spit on them. I regret being too nice, that’s for sure. Another so-called friend from the table came up to my locker and I kicked her as hard as I could in the leg. I’m not proud of that and it wasn’t right. But, it felt awesome. I don’t speak to any of these people anymore and I should’ve stopped right after this event. None of them ever apologized. I don’t think I can ever forgive any of them. It’s a horrible day to recall.

Throughout high school – My band teacher used to mock the way that I spoke. Male teachers harassed me for no reason. I guess they thought they could muscle the gay out of me. One guy in particular who claimed to be a friend was actually the worst bully of all to me. The bullying began in middle school and through most of high school. He made it his goal to make me feel as bad as possible. Turned tons of people against me. And now he’s gay. Hope that’s working out well for him.

12th Grade – On the first day of school, a guy announced to my science class that I loved to make out with tons of guys. Everyone laughed.¬†Again, the teacher did nothing. That utterly disgusts me. Not only do they not teach, they can’t even protect the kids in their care. This bully was scary. Like soulless. I remember him saying all gay people should be killed. I spent lunch periods in the bathroom because I had no¬†friends to sit with. I was so over school. There was actually a hilarious rumor going around¬†that I lived with an older man who bought me stuff. I wish! The guy who started the rumor saw my dad picking me up from school and based the rumor on that. I have to laugh at that. lol

Those are the events that most stick out in my mind. There were millions more, but I honestly think I’ve blocked them from recall. I just needed to get this off my chest. I cried while remembering the really bad stuff. I hope the flashbacks will stop now. I never realized how much bullying affected me until recently. And I wasn’t perfect. I made fun of kids, too, but never to the level that I received. No one deserves what I went through.

Let me know what you guys think. Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it? I feel silly bringing all of this up. Oh well, I feel better. ūüôā

 

~Asylum