Guess Who’s Back?

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This is weird. I haven’t blogged in a solid year and a half. I haven’t really done any writing in about a year. There’s so much to share and yet I wonder if I should. My therapist tasked me with writing something before our next session. Here goes nothing…

When I left off here, I had taken a voluntary demotion at work and I was in a good space. I was still writing for Carpe Nocturne and nothing too crazy was going on. Well, 2017 ended up being crazier than I ever imagined it could be. In April of 2017, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Talk about scary, bad news. The cancer was Stage 2 and hadn’t spread, so the doctors were confident that they could cure it and that my dad would make a full recovery. They were right. My dad is happy and healthy today thanks to the wonderful medical staff at U of M. The road to recovery was rocky, filled with radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and fear. The doctors actually took out my dad’s esophagus and built him a new one out of the top of his stomach. So wild to think about. He lost a lot of weight and couldn’t eat normal food for a while, since the surgery is similar to gastric bypass. He had to spend so much time in the hospital. But, his cancer was cured and my whole family feels very lucky.

During the summer of 2017, I took a risk and started performing at some open mic nights. It was scary, but super fun. I put on my stage outfits and sang some of my favorite covers. People were super supportive and nice and I felt very welcome. I realized I could be myself on stage and express myself in a new way.

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Then came Halloween, my mom’s birthday. She didn’t look good and wasn’t acting right when we were passing out candy to the trick or treaters, but she pushed through. I found out the next morning that she was in the hospital with major heart issues. She had a 99% blockage in the main artery to her heart plus blockages in her other arteries and could have died. She had called an ambulance after I left that night because she just didn’t feel right. Thank God she did. She had to have surgery to clear the blockage and she quit smoking that night. Her recovery has also been difficult, but she went to cardiac rehab, is on new medications and she’s back to work. Again, I’m just so happy she’s alive. I don’t know what I would do without her. She had to have foot surgery this past May and that has also been a slow recovery because Achilles tendons are a bitch. I’m so sick of hospitals and I hope I don’t have to go to another one anytime soon.

All of this stress took a toll on me. I thought I was having heart problems, so I got checked out at the doctor and all was fine. It was anxiety. I realized I needed to talk to someone. I hadn’t been in therapy since I was 15, so I was super nervous but it’s been super helpful and I enjoy it. I also started taking anti-anxiety and blood pressure meds. I never wanted to be on psychotropic meds, but I just couldn’t manage my anxiety anymore and it was seriously affecting my job and personal life. At the beginning of 2018, I got a new job and my first real boyfriend. Lots of change. I’m now a Data Support Specialist at the same agency, so I work with data, build dashboards, manage databases and all that geeky stuff. I’ve learned so much and my job even paid for me to take a community college class! Super awesome. However, the job is stressful and I have to work harder than I ever have before, including taking work home and meeting strict deadlines. The pros definitely outweigh the cons, though. Unfortunately, me and my boyfriend broke up in May. It devastated me. I still love him, but he wasn’t healthy for me. He didn’t make time for me, he wasn’t very nice to me and he even said he didn’t love me. There were good times, too, but the bad was really bad. My heart was broken because I loved him more than anything and I tried everything to make it work. I haven’t seen him since the breakup and it’s been really hard. But, I deserve better.

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THOT. I took a vacation.

I’ve been doing a little online dating and no offense, but I haven’t met a normal person yet. By normal I mean someone who doesn’t lie, just want sex or ghost me. My favorite was the guy I discovered was a former Catfish that appeared on the TV show. Nice. Needless to say, I’ve taken an indefinite break from online dating. I stopped writing for Carpe Nocturne around the summer of last year. It was a big time commitment and I didn’t feel the appreciation or respect from the magazine anymore. I also saw the quality go down. It appears the magazine has shut down now, which is super sad. I had a lot of fun writing for CN and made new friends and connections. I mean, I got to interview Kerli and Lindsey Stirling! I’ve been thinking of writing for another publication, but I just don’t have a lot of time or motivation.

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Concert lewk. 

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I saw Amelia Arsenic from Angelspit perform live. Epic!

Currently, I’m trying to get back to making music and writing more. This is my first step in that direction. It feels good to get everything off my chest. Life is hard and I definitely don’t have my shit together. I’m just doing the best I can and trying my best to be happy. I hope to write a lot more often here. I hope to see my blog friends return as well. ūüėČ Now I need to sleep. I’m getting old. I can’t stay up late like I used to. lol

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Happy Holidays!

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Happy holidays everyone! I hope you’re all having great times with friends and family. I had a wonderful Christmas and I am thoroughly enjoying a nice long¬†break from work. To celebrate the festive season, I wanted to record a Christmas cover this year. I was researching which song I wanted to cover and came across an Erasure classic called “She Won’t Be Home”. I’d never heard the song before, but instantly become entranced by the melancholy lyrics and synthy goodness. Plus, I adore Erasure, so it was a no brainer to take this on. The recording process was quite interesting. First, I wanted to finish it before Christmas. That didn’t happen. When I finally went to start recording vocals, I noticed that my computer wasn’t recognizing my professional¬†microphone. I did some research and found out that the Windows 10 update could be the culprit. Whatever I tried, I couldn’t get the mic to work and ended up accidentally breaking it. Hooray! Granted, the mic was probably five years old, but I loved it and that sucks. So, I was forced to record my vocals trashy style on my camera. Please excuse the imperfect quality. Also, my vocals fall behind the music at the end. It’s annoying and editing was a bitch.¬†Anyways, I hope you guys like it. At least I look cute, right? lol

I just got my hair done as well. I’m dyeing it colors according to holidays (I got the idea from LeahMouse on YouTube), so I picked pink for Valentine’s Day. I’m bringing the Gothic My Little Pony look¬†back! I seriously love the color. I thought the makeup I paired with the new hair was pretty, too.

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My family is doing really well and I’m taking a voluntary¬†demotion at work to decrease my stress levels in the new year. 2016 was truly an insane year and I learned a lot about myself and the quality of life I want. I’m exploring career options outside of my field of study and freelance writing gigs that pay since I’m taking a pay cut along with my demotion. I realize that I’m at a dead end in my current job and I’m ready for something new. I was offered a supervisory position, but I really have no desire to supervise people. I’ve found that people just don’t work as hard as me or care as much as I do and it really bothers me, so I don’t need the headache. I’m going to be a bit selfish and look out for myself first and foremost in 2017.

Last month, I met one of my favorite music artists of all time, Jennifer Parkin¬†from the group¬†Ayria!¬†Her show was phenomenal and I danced and sang my ass off to all of my favorite songs. We shared a heart to heart after the show. I told her what an inspiration she was to me and how her music got me through some tough times.¬†My teenage years were a trip, let me tell you! She encouraged me to¬†keep working toward my dream of becoming an artist like her. Jennifer was super sweet and I’ll always treasure this night.

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Me and Jennifer! Ignore the fact that I look like a sweaty puffy coke whore. ūüėõ

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Baddie alert! Me and my bestie Ali.

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The Cybergoth concert look. Jennifer loved my sparkly jewelry.

My family adopted a couple of families in need¬†for Christmas this year. It was so much fun to shop for the kids and it’s one of my favorite things to do for the holidays. I enjoy giving gifts so much more than receiving them.¬†I¬†did get¬†some really awesome gifts as well. A new bookcase for my office, an electric fireplace to fix the drafty back room of¬†my house and my Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie that I wore in my Christmas cover video. My sister knows me too well! I got my technologically challenged dad a tablet and he hasn’t put it down since Christmas. haha

I always have some new music artist discoveries to share. I seem to have fallen back into a Swedish Pop obsession and I kinda love it. The Swedes just do Pop best, I’m sorry! Dolly Style is a sickeningly sweet trio with influences from Japanese cultures like Lolita and Fairy Kei. Their names are Molly, Holly and Polly and I can’t get their songs or fashion¬†out of my head. One of them (Polly with the purple hair)¬†even looks like a BubbleGoth doll. I can’t!

I’m really addicted to Swedish Idol contestant Charlie Gr√∂nvall. I think I stumbled upon one of his videos after a Dolly Style video. I’m sort of superficial and when I saw his emo glam look complete with painted nails, black fringe and eyeliner I melted. He totally reminds me of Adam Lambert. I guess his grandfather is a member of the¬†legendary Swedish group ABBA and his parents are both famous singers as well. Now, it usually bothers me when people with famous family members come on competition shows because I question their motives. That’s not the case with Charlie. He comes off as super genuine and you can feel his love for music. He’s been in a couple of other bands over the years (Bracelet and Little Great Things) and the music is really great. Sadly, he came in third place in the competition, but I’m sure he’ll have a successful career. I’m already planning a trip to Sweden to abduct him.

I hope everyone is pumped for 2017! It has to be a better year than 2016, right!? I’ve watched so many bloggers give up on their blogs during my five years on WordPress and it’s really sad. Some have disappeared and we’ve completely lost touch. I don’t want to be one of those people. Blogs might be a dying art form with attention spans diminishing and instant gratification on the rise, but sharing my life in writing is so therapeutic to me. I love to read about other people’s adventures and challenges as well. Never give up!

I’m excited to¬†create more music, continue writing for Carpe Nocturne, make some career moves, and share it all with you! This is just the beginning.

Much love,

~Asylum Attendant

2016

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New year, new perspective. Yes, I’m here.¬†I’ve decided to stick around here on WordPress. Thank you all for your supportive words on my last post. I don’t know why I’m so fatalistic sometimes. I hate letting fear take over, but I’m trying to overcome it. I’m striving to accept my quirks and let my freak flag¬†fly high.¬†I have a strong feeling that this will be a very pivotal year for me.

I’m days away¬†from moving into my very own home. I’ll share tons of photos and details in another post. I’m so thrilled!¬†Broke as a joke, but beyond happy. I’m also about to begin another new job. Don’t worry, it’s with the same company. I actually accepted the promotion about three months ago and my new job duties will finally be starting on Monday. I got about a $3.o0 an hour raise, which started a while back. I’ll be the Administrative Support Coordinator. Fancy.

I’ve also decided that 2016 needs some structure and a lot more creativity. My plan is to laser focus on making music. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve put off my dream for far too long. I’m going to release a new song cover¬†with an accompanying music video every month this year. Feel free to hold me to this. I need to get in the habit of recording and honing my craft on a regular basis. That’s the only way I’ll become better at making music. I’m very particular with¬†everything I¬†do. I spend a lot of time picking the perfect instrumental track, recording and editing vocals, filming a video and editing that…I don’t play around. Dare I attempt to compose an original song? You’ll have to wait and see. ūüėČ

I would also like to post weekly on this blog. Write for enjoyment.¬†Eat healthier. Actually have a workout routine. Meet new people. Go on dates. Learn how to apply makeup. Have my first professional photo shoot. Perform live. And be happy. That’s the basis for everything else.

Happy New Year everyone! Carly Rae Jepsen invades my soul, I swear.

Messy Life

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I feel like I only blog when I have exciting news or something interesting to share. I don’t usually post through the lulls. So, I’m switching it up. This is going to be a life updates post. It’s probably going to get personal as I listen to Lorde. Damn, she’s brilliant.

My job is really stressing me out lately. I don’t feel appreciated by management and I also don’t agree with the way the agency is changing. There is no incentive for advancement. The workload keeps getting higher, but the pay is still dirt. Certain coworkers are becoming especially unbearable. I seriously had a nervous breakdown this past week because I didn’t get an internal job I interviewed for. My job description has changed and I was forced to interview just to stay employed. In my mind I know it’s time to move on. Either use my degree or do something else. I just suck at making decisions. I was never that kid growing up that knew they were going to be a fireman as an adult. I like too much. And I get bored with stuff really fast. Just because I like something doesn’t mean I’d like it as a career, either. I’ve been looking at other jobs in my field and it just frustrates me. None of them interest me. I think my parents are ready to beat my indecisive ass.

I guess I’m going to discuss something darker now. Someone close to me relapsed on drugs recently. He actually tried to kill himself by overdosing on pills a few days before my birthday last month. I understand addiction very well from all of the research I’ve done and personal experiences I’ve had. Regardless, I’m fucking pissed. When you take someone into your home for 6 months and provide them with everything they could need, it’s a huge slap in the face. It’s like he didn’t give a shit about the sacrifices my whole family made just for him. But, then I start feeling guilty, too. Maybe I could have spent more time with him, tried a bit harder to connect. Shit, I had therapy sessions with him. The helper in me always wants to take care of others in any way. I thought that I was a negative, depressed person but he’s on a different level. No one has it easy in life. Some just cope with problems better. Getting fucked up on pills isn’t going to fix anything. My family has had to let this person out of our lives. It’s horrible. I don’t want him to end up dead, but I can’t help him anymore. Fucking mental illness.

The rest of the stuff I have to say probably sounds stupid now. My body isn’t cooperating lately. This might be TMI, but I’ve developed this terrible skin rash all over my body. I don’t know if it’s from stress or weather change (though I can’t believe eczema could be so bad). I’m treating it with creams and it slowly seems to be getting better. It makes me super self-conscious. Thank god I don’t have a boyfriend. How embarrassing. My eyes are also jacked up. I’ve always had super high eye pressure, which can be an indication of glaucoma. I already have terrible vision, so I’d prefer not to go completely blind. I see an eye specialist to monitor and lower my eye pressure. During my past visit, the doctor was concerned with how high my pressure was. They used a special laser to lower it in the office, which they’ve never done before. Afterwards, my eye hurt so bad I couldn’t go to work. I just hope it worked.

In other lighter news, my hair is driving me crazy. It’s freaking orange. Nobody wants orange hair. I got portions of my hair bleached the last time I was at the salon. This was so the pink and purple dye would be more vibrant. Um, when that shit faded oh-so-quick I was left with a nasty orange color. Orange is my least favorite color. I don’t ever want to bleach my hair again. Or dye it random colors. I kind of want to go back to my natural color, medium brown. Or I’ll just do allover black as usual. I just love pastel hair, but it might not be for me.

Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed everyone, I’m gonna go. I should be filming a Hot Topic haul video very soon. Good idea? I got some super cute things. Lots of “Under the Sea” stuff. It’s prolly going to include a fun rant on their shit customer service, so I hope I don’t swear profusely. I don’t have a filter.

Until then,

~Asylum

Facebook

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Just the other day I was asked if I had a Facebook. It’s a valid question since that site is quite popular. I don’t have one. My answer always sets off a firestorm of comments. Really? Why not? That’s weird. You should get one! People are shocked by it. And they always want to know the reasoning behind my decision, as if it’s actually their business. I really don’t need to justify my decision, but since my friends, family, and co-workers seem so intrigued, I thought I would discuss why I don’t have a Facebook.

Reason #1: People I don’t like kept adding me.

When I had a Facebook, people who treated me like garbage in public school suddenly wanted to be “friends”. That was really odd to me. I’m a forgiving person, but not that fucking forgiving. Sure, I could have blocked people and kept my profile private, but I didn’t feel like doing that. Why should I have to pretend to like anyone? I will never forget the past. I no longer hold onto anger and pain from back then. I just don’t want to be exposed to certain people ever again. It’s not healthy and they don’t deserve to see what I’m currently up to. Accepting a friend request from a former bully would be like condoning their previous behavior. Sorry, that’s not happening. It makes me wonder if these people forgot what they did to me. Oh, you don’t remember calling me a fag? Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to you, but it hurt me. I never got an apology. You’re not welcome in my life. ūüôā

Reason #2: Mixing work and play is never a good idea. 

We all play many different roles in our lives. We present ourselves in certain ways depending on what the situation is. At work you act differently than if you were at a club, for example. The two environments don’t fit together. I personally would not feel comfortable with my boss viewing pictures from my trip to the Goth club, particularly if I was dressed provocatively and inebriated. People have gotten fired over stuff their co-workers found on Facebook. There needs to be a division between certain areas of life. Not every person you know needs to know everything about you. That is just plain creepy…in a bad way.

Reason #3: I felt restricted.

I’m a very open and honest person. I wasn’t always that way, but I have found that it’s the best policy. I have a small circle of people who really know me and don’t judge who I am. If you have 200 friends on Facebook, then chances are you aren’t super close with all 200 of them. That would be extremely time-consuming. Why, then, would you post your entire life online for them all to see? It doesn’t make any sense. Yet, people do exactly that. Now, I’m into some weird stuff and I love that about myself. There’s nothing wrong with androgyny or spending time in cemeteries. However, I realize that not everyone I come in contact with will accept those things. I want to share the stuff I love with those close to me, but sometimes it’s better to just keep things to yourself. For instance, I don’t think my family would be too happy with my blog. I started it solely for myself, though. So, I’m certainly not going to filter my thoughts/interests/visuals/whatever else I post on here. When I had a public Facebook, I felt like I had to “normalize” myself and it sucked. Normal people are very scary. ūüėģ

Reason #4: It’s addictive.¬†

I have an addictive personality. Who doesn’t? Many people get obsessed with Facebook and it starts to interfere with their daily lives. I have a feeling that would happen to me, so I’d rather just avoid it. I already have enough addictions as it is: shopping, prison documentaries, and black eyeliner, just to name a few. I was really into MySpace when that was the popular social networking site. lol Picking the perfect profile song was vital, at least to me. Now it’s time for a throwback photo, just because. I was 18 and a bit of a MySpace whore. Forgive me.

I actually kind of miss wearing bandanas in my hair. I thought it was cute. I might just have to bust some out again. ūüėČ

My Real Name

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I hate my name. I said it. I don’t feel bad about saying it, either. I just don’t identify with it at all. It’s masculine, biblical, and far too common. I’m obviously not very masculine (I just bought a rainbow petticoat lol). I’m not religious at all. And I’m a total weirdo in all the best ways. Why was I named Jonathan?

There was a bit of a disagreement over what my name should have been. My mom wanted to name me Nathan. My dad wanted to name me Jonathan. Guess who won that battle? It’s crazy, too, because my dad never makes the final decisions. My mom is a take-charge kind of woman, which is awesome. My dad must have been super persistent. For the record, I like Nathan a lot better than Jonathan. ūüėČ

Now, John ¬†is probably the most common male name ever. Everyone shortens Jonathan to John as well. In school, without fail, there were always two other Johns in class with me. It really drove me crazy. The teacher would call out John and I never had any idea who she was talking to. Of course the teacher never distinguished it with a last name either. It’s like I was expected to be a mind reader or something. I wish I had psychic abilities, but sadly I do not. So, I would walk up to the teacher’s desk and they would look up and say they meant the other John. Great. That confusion could have been avoided so many times. It never was though because public school teachers are pretty much all idiots. But, that’s for another post! Yeah, we will definitely be coming back to that topic at a later time.

I guess I picked my artist name (Asylum Attendant) out of necessity. I feel like a name should describe who you are to a certain extent. Mine is just so wrong for me. I’m much too odd to have such a popular name. Jonathan is not a shit name and I think it fits some people. I just can’t stand it.¬†I understand that people will call me by my real name. I’ve accepted that. I’m not going to legally change my name or anything. Not worth the hassle. Online I am Asylum Attendant. I attach that name to anything creative that I do. It describes me so well. The name found me!¬†I love it.

My middle name is Craig…even worse. haha Let’s just not even go there. I do enjoy my last name though, which I won’t say here for obvious reasons. So that’s a positive! I guess it’s normal to hate your name. I know a lot of people do. We should just be able to pick our own names and switch them throughout our lives if we choose to. Parents have good intentions, but they can get it so wrong.

So, do you like your name? If not, what do you wish your name was?